The Pulse

Commentary: A Standard of Excellence

2010-01-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

Understanding “A Standard of Excellence” involves understanding the words “standard” and “excellence”. Words are often used with little thought given to their true meaning. We throw around the word “love” so much that it has lost its meaning. We “love” coffee, our pets, that jacket, those shoes, and even people we have barely known a minute. It stands to question whether we can have “A Standard of Excellence” with out having a true understanding of what it is.

A standard can be defined multiple ways. At one point a standard was a banner carried during times of war, it served as a rallying point, or emblem to gather the troops. It can be defined as a personal flag, one of a royal family, or organization. “Something set up and established by authority as a rule for measure,” is another definition. All of these would be appropriate to use at different times and give an idea of what a standard could be. For our purposes just about all can be applied in different aspects.

More often than not we are given standards for things by an authority. A standard ruler is twelve inches measuring a foot, a standard work day is eight hours, standard pregnancy is said to last for nine months, and your standard date is dinner and a movie. These standards were set by an authority, we do not know who yet we follow them readily. There are even standards set for what people should eat each day created for us. Someone created the standard quantity, weight, extent, duration, value, or quality and we accepted it. We accepted it unconsciously giving no thought to our own ability to create something different for ourselves. Most of us live unconsciously off of and by the standards set by others. We can raise the banner, flag, standard of our own Life. Two last definitions to take note of deal with structure, support, and stability. Standards give us those three things; the question is “to what standard do you hold yourself?” If your standard is excellence then the next step is to find out what it means to be excellent.

Excel, the root word of excellent, comes from the Latin word excellere meaning “to rise, project”. Sounds like we have passed “standard” before getting to define excel or excellent. To excel is to surpass in accomplishments or achievement, to be distinguishable by superiority. Superiority that is not arrogant or egotistical. This superiority speaks for itself, there are no words necessary, it has integrity, is confident, well put together, and moves with purpose. Excelling is going beyond a stated or implied limit set by an authority or established by a custom or tradition, and even past achievements. To excel one must push further than what is asked, transcending what is thought, moving past the norm to reach another level, outdoing your own past, and creating competition. Competition where there is only one person in the game, You. Excelling is continual. It is perpetual. There is no place called Excel City. It is a verb. Breaking through the ceiling called standard, status quo, or good enough creates excellence. It is a mindset, a place where you can live perpetually through excelling, being in motion, moving past yesterday; it takes motion to create excellence.

You are the authority which creates how you will measure the quantity and quality of the time given to tasks, people, and things. You say what a priority is, has value, and the quantity of money, time, and effort given to things in your Life. Only you can exceed standards set by authorities and yourself. Only you can push yourself past the baseline you have created. To have Life worth living, excelling must be one of the stones on which you build all aspects of your Life.

Set A Standard of Excellence in intimate relationships, with family and friends, in money management, with your health, in keeping your home, in dealing with and in your community, in communication, in your business, and see how things begin to come alive in your Life. Raise the Standard. A Standard of perpetual motion, outdoing self to the next level daily – that is the Standard of Excellence. Go beyond the norm, be distinguishable, be excellent.

Poppa's Baby. Momma's Maybe.

2010-01-15T22:45:00.004-05:00

We have all heard the saying, "Momma's baby. Poppa's maybe" indicating that fathers can always question paternity. And yes, that happens to be true. No one questions a Mother about maternity, sounds silly right?! One the other hand, when it comes to being a father, there are a plethora of articles, sites, blogs, and opinions which berate, belittle, and emasculate men as fathers. All too often the fingers point at fathers as a culprit of children being in poverty, in a "broken" home, or in situations which are less than ideal. These men are accused of not caring for the life of their child. They are given the label of a deadbeat Dad. And even characterized as heartless. As the mother of a son, it is hard for me to hear all of that without asking some poignant questions about the Mothers of these children? Just as having sperm fertilize the egg does not make a man a Father, logically, it follows that because your egg is fertilized does not make you a Mother.

Plenty of mothers do not take the time to be just that, a Mother. It has nothing to do with age, culture, ethnicity, education, or socioeconomic status. A mother is not just someone who dresses up a child, but gives them direction and discipline. A mother has the ability to take herself out of the equation and do what is necessary for her child even if it means she must delay her own gratification. A mother takes time to engage in the education of her child, expose them to things that will grow their mind, and feed their potential as much as possible. All too often the finger pointing at fathers goes without looking at mothers who not prepared to take on the job of caring for Poppa's Maybe. And that makes them a maybe Momma. Read on and see why.

If I may take a few lines to share a little about my background. My parents were married and they divorced in 1980. Prior to the divorce being final my father left. At that time, my mother was 34 with 4 children (one of which was her step daughter... get that!) ages 15, 13, 7, and 5. Along with being 35 with 4 children she was attending college, which she had put off to assist my father in completing his degrees. Following the divorce, we had visitation with him, my oldest sibling had left to live with her mother, and life went on. We were on and off welfare, sometimes had to cut grass at the home we were renting to make up for the rent shortfall, shopped at Kmart and The Goodwill, sometimes ate a local "soup kitchens", and ate "school lunch". With all that happening, there are a few things that I must get across:

1) There were few, if any, child support checks that came to my mother.
2) My Mother never spoke bad about my father in my presence.
3) We were never a ruse for her to "get him back" or to "get back at him".
4) I wish my father had been there more often.

With those things said, it is necessary to share that healthy fathers are an integral part of rearing healthy, well-rounded children. Girls need fathers to show them protection, give them positive self-esteem, and build them up as the princesses they are to be. How do you develop a healthy relationship with a man if you have never been shown a healthy man which to relate? It is not that it is impossible, but it make the interaction a bit difficult. The same can be said for boys. Without a healthy father figure their idea of right, wrong, how to behave and be man, the development of a work ethic, and the ability create an intimate relationship with a woman that is healthy as well. Fathermage.com has an article entitled, It's Fatherhood That Makes Childhood Possible. In that article, the following statement was made which reiterates the need for fathers in the home with boys and girls:

"A judge will try a divorce case in the morning and place the children in the mother's custody. He will try a criminal case in the afternoon and send a man to prison for robbing a liquor store. The chances are three out of four that the criminal he sends to prison grew up in a female headed household just like the one he himself created that morning when he tried the divorce case.[1] He can't see any connection between the two cases. The time lag prevents him: the kids he placed in the mother's custody were toddlers and the criminal he sent to prison was in his teens or twenties. Toddlers don't rob liquor stores.
Besides, most fatherless boys don't grow up to rob liquor stores and most fatherless girls don't grow up to breed illegitimate children. Therefore what? Therefore the legal policy of giving custody to mothers is OK? Therefore we can ignore the increased probability that fatherlessness will create delinquency?"

There is a desperate need for men in the lives of children. Yes, preferably in the home, but when that cannot happen there is the relationship that must be maintain, fostered, and encouraged. Again, I only say if it is healthy. Now to address "healthy".

As stated before there is a need for healthy men. That can be qualified as someone who has the interest of the child in mind, is able to keep them safe, is motivated to do something with their life or is already doing so, and is emotionally mature. With that said, the same must be said for the women. And here is comes. Too many mothers are not emotionally mature enough to have the children they want. How do we know that? Here are some signs of emotional immaturity:

1) Use child support as the bate and switch. Child support issues are separate from visitation issues. These things do not have anything to do with each other, they are mutually exclusive. In the mind of an emotionally immature mother, these two things live, breathe, eat, and sleep in the same room. Not so. Child support is to be used to support the child in clothing, food, activities, etc. It is not like paying to see a money. No pay, no child. An emotionally immature mother does not understand the separation, blames the father, and refused to allow the relationship between child and Father to grown due to a lack of child support. Again, my father was so thin on child support, there could probably tell me over the phone how much those 1-3 checks were. However, that did not prevent my mother from allowing us to develop a relationship with him.

2) "Your Daddy doesn't, can't, won't..." No matter the issues between two parents they should remain there. Children love their parents until someone tells them otherwise. Immaturity opens the door to speaking immature things, things that children do not need to hear. Yes, there are relationships that have ended terribly, had circumstance that were not ideal, yet, that remains something that need not be addressed with a child. At one point, my father was not coming to see us regularly. Did my mother run my father down because of it? No. She simply said he was busy or could not come. There was an incident in which she confronted him, but prior to that, they told us to go to our room. Now that is maturity! Yet, my memory is of my father saying he did not have the money to take us out and do the things he wanted to do with us. My mother's response has stuck with me for 28 years, she said, "these kids don't care about your money they just want you." The relationship later built between my father and I was never built on the view my mother had of him, rather the interacts or lack thereof.

3) "If you don't..." Using children as a pawn in a tit for tat game is a glaring sign of emotional immaturity. "If you don't come over here you won't be able to see your children", "if you can't buy these kids a thing you might as well not come see them", and many more statements like that damage the father and the child. There are men who want nothing more than to give their child the world, but cannot for financial or other reasons. Using a child as a ruse to get him to do something damages is will and desire to do for his child(ren). A man is designed to be a protector and provider, when they have children they want to do those things for them because there is love that grows uncontrollably in them. The love coupled with being a protector and provider is their motivation for being around. When you take the opportunity for them to do what they naturally want for those they love you are taking away the power and pride they feel. It diminishes into a helplessness that no man ever wants to feel. Emotionally mature men are not monsters, but what the emotionally immature mother must know is that everyone has their breaking point.

4) "We don't need him!" Daniel Amneus, the author of It's Fatherhood That Makes Childhood Possible, said this:

"This is the hitch, the reason we have a feminist revolution: Females dislike sexual regulation. Feminists say 'A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle,' 'A woman has a sacred right to control her own sexuality,' 'End human sacrifice! Don't get married!' Women's primary object, according to feminist Anne Donchin, is to create a society in which 'women can shape their reproductive experiences to further ends of their own choosing.' "

All too often, emotionally immature mothers play the "we don't need him card." For some reason they include the children in this statement, when it should be a singular statement about their need only. Children need their fathers. An emotional mature mother recognizes the need for the father. Regardless of what the mother may want, how the situation might have turned out, or what is not longer desired, the man will always be a father. No you may not need him, but all children need a healthy father.

When it comes to parenting healthy children, the uproar comes in custody. Rarely do you see cases where fathers get custody. However, it happens, and there many cases where children are obviously better off with there father. Though they may be better off with their father the mother uses them as a ploy, refuses to admit that they are better off somewhere else, or the father does not believe that he could get custody. When a woman chooses to bring a child into the world, there should be consideration given for the father. And the father ought to begin looking at what is in the best interest of their child. There are times that the hard truth should be told. That truth maybe that the father can provide better for the child than the mother. Yes, it does happen. In those cases, it should happen.

Of the 2.5 million single fathers who are custodial parents:

57% are divorced or separated
24% are currently married (In most cases, these numbers represent men who have remarried.)
16 percent are separated
38% have never married
4 percent are widowed
8% are raising three or more of their own children under 18 years old.
42% are divorced, , and . (The percentages of those divorced and never married are not significantly different from one another.)
16% live in the home of a relative or a non-relative.
27% have an annual family income of $50,000 or more.

Single fathers are just as capable as a single mother, in rearing children. The Journal of Marriage and Family published research by Douglas Downey, James Ainsworth Darnell, and Mikaela Dufur which looked at the possible differences between living with a single mother or father. The research concluded the following:

Some researchers have claimed that the effects of living in a single-mother or single-father household won’t show up until adulthood, Downey said. To test this claim, the researchers examined data from the General Social Surveys collected by the National Opinion Research Center. They examined 4,400 adults who reported having lived with a single parent at age 16 (750 lived with a single father and 3,650 lived with a single mother). They looked again at a variety of measures, including years of education, family income and overall happiness.
“Again, the overwhelming pattern was one of little difference between those who grew up in single-mother households compared to those who grew up in single-father households,” Downey said.
Downey said family researchers need to distinguish between family characteristics that affect children’s development and those characteristics that do not.

“People have assumed that the sex of the parent has a major effect on children’s development, but we found that isn’t the case,” he said. “Researchers need to focus on other factors, such as family resources, which seem to have a real impact.”

Just as people love to throw fathers under the bus about being absent and sperm donors. And just as all too often the statement is said that making a baby does not make you a Dad. The same can be said about a woman. As a female, it is like being a part of a sorority. There are some things you just are not supposed to say against The Sisterhood. However, when it comes to the life of a child, in my book, all bets are off. Just because you carried the baby does not make you a Mother. Sometimes it should be Poppa's Baby and Momma's Maybe.

Closer to My Dreams: Let It Burn

2009-12-27T17:18:00.002-05:00

With time ticking away from 2009 to 2010, there have been many conversations about the past 12 months. Often about what has or has not happened. For me it has been bittersweet, meaning there have been highs and lows. The end of a relationship, yet new found freedom and direction. Unfortunately, for some, the past seems to linger too long causing issues in the future. While thinking about that dilemma, I was reminded of of a ceremony I wanted to perform along with a tool I was taught during my training to be a certified GriefRecovery Specialist. At times, we can be overwhemed by failures, grief, hurt, pain, and disappointments to the point of being paralyzed or depressed. I have been there too and it is a place from which you can emerge.

The song Let It Burn by Usher came to mind when I was thinking about the ceremony. It took that simple sentiment "let it burn" and applied it to the ceremony and thoughts of the past, since they are things no one can change. The only thing we can transform is our relationship to the past, the way we view it, and how much we allow it to effect our future.To make it simple, I call the ceremony, Let It Burn. The closer I get to my dreams the more stuff from the past emerges. But, if it is burned, it cannot come back. Anything that is burned cannot return.

There are things that haunt you. It may be the death of a mate, spouse, friend, relative, beloved pet, parent, sibling, or child. Some people have lost jobs, finances, health, relationships, and homes. Others have a change of life which may be hard to accept like empty nesters or grandparents who are now caring for their grandchildren. No matter what the situation it is all legitimate.

In the past year, there have been things you have said or done to yourself as well, which meant you no good. Maybe you were lazy about working out, spent little quality time with family or friends, or neglected your health. Only you know the answer to that. No better time than the present to Let It Burn. Let it go, get it off your chest. How? The following are instructions for your own LET IT BURN CEREMONY.

LET IT BURN CEREMONY

Make a list of :

people who have died in the past 12 months
things you regret doing or not doing
pains you were caused and by whom
pains which you have cause and to whom
express your disappointments

Begin formulating your letter following this format:

Dear (YOUR NAME), As I review the past year I have realized somethings I want to let go of to build a future of freedom.

LIST PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED any apologies you want to communicate to them, thins you want to be forgiven for, things you want to forgive, and share other things you want them to know. If there are multiple deaths, repeat the same process for each. Please let whatever emotions you feel be alright both the lack of emotion and showing emotion. Know that writing this section does not mean that you will no longer think of that person, you are simply allowing yourself to move beyond the hurt and pain.
WRITE ABOUT PAINS YOU WERE CAUSED by whom, what do you want them to know, and for what can you forgive them?
WRITE ABOUT PAINS YOU HAVE CAUSED to whom (including yourself), what were the pains/hurts, for what do you forgive yourself, for what do you want to be forgiven.
WRITE ABOUT THE DISAPPOINTMENTS YOU EXPERIENCED this year.
CLOSE THE LETTER however you feel comfortable, yet makes it clear you will no longer hold onto these things. You may use words like: Good bye, That's All, All is complete. Whatever you use should reflect you.
SIGN IT!

Reread the letter either to yourself or aloud (to yourself).
Prepare a safe place for a fire. Light the fire and place the letter in it. You may want to be silent during this time, pray, meditate, or recite the following:

I forever release you. I no longer hold the right to punish you or me. From this moment on there is freedom. From this moment on I am complete.

You may want to take a moment. However, following the last step, take another piece of paper and write at least 5 things you commit to being, doing, or having and by when you will accomplish these things.

Since you have burned the past you can create anything. While writing the letter be free with it. Have fun, make them things that will inspire and excite you. Keep it in a place where you can view it often, maybe post it on a wall or frame it. Share the letter with friends and family, those people who will support you.

I share this because the past can be a crutch for individuals and families. My son, affectionately known as "the Boy", and I will be participating in this ceremony on December 31st together. He will have his own letter, though he is 10, which will express his feelings and thoughts. For parents, this is a great way to allow children to express their grief, upsets, disappointments, and feelings about their lives as well. It is also a phenomenal tool for parents, couples, and families to begin a new chapter. You may share the ceremony with firends and family for your New Year's celebration. If you participte together you may consider sharing what you forgive and want to be forgiven for with those in the circle. No arguing, it defeats the purpose. And then, LET IT BURN!

Please be sure to go to www.sidneygaskins.webs.com or www.sidneygaskins.podbean.com in the New Year to get information for New Dawning, a grief recovery group beginning in the new year. Why not start a new year with a New Dawning in life too?

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OPEN ADOPTION: Estate Planning for the Adoptive Family

2009-12-01T15:33:00.000-05:00

Estate Planning for the Adoptive Family

By Cheryl N. Smith, Esq.

My husband and I recently adopted a baby girl through domestic agency adoption. She is just the love of our lives and we have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of learning how to be her parents.

In addition to being a new adoptive mother, I am also an estate planning attorney, so after our daughter was born, I sat down to rewrite our Wills. I realized that the fact that we have an adopted child raised a whole host of questions which, even after nine years of practice, took on a whole new meaning to me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there are several issues and decisions that parents in adoptive families must be educated about that do not exist in families with only biological children.

Estate Planning in General

Every parent that has a minor child needs to have an estate plan in order to ensure that child is protected and cared for, both personally and financially. An estate plan typically consists of a set of documents that set forth your wishes with respect to your person (i.e., health care decisions), your estate (i.e., financial decisions) and your children (i.e., guardianship decisions).

The documents include a Will, a Trust, a Health Care Proxy, a Durable Power of Attorney, and a Parental Appointment of Guardian for Minors. While a good estate planning attorney can walk you through what each of these documents does, there are additional issues specific to adoption that an adoptive parent must consider when establishing an estate plan. Some of these issues are discussed below.

Choice of Guardian

Choosing a guardian to care for your children in the event you become incapacitated or die is never an easy decision for any parent. But when you are an adoptive parent, it is even more complicated. The person you select to fill this role must be sensitive to the unique circumstances of your family, and it may require some extra thought and direction on your part to make sure your wishes are carried out.

Things to consider include making sure your chosen guardian has all the facts about your child’s adoption so that as appropriate, they can share this information with your child. Also, if you are in an open adoption, will the person you chose as guardian follow through with helping to maintain that open relationship? In my own Will, I specifically state that if a nominated guardian is unwilling or unable to maintain a relationship with our daughter’s birth parents, that they respectfully decline to serve as guardian, in which case the nominated alternates will step in.

I often recommend that adoptive parents prepare a letter, to be kept with their estate planning documents, spelling out the circumstances surrounding their child’s adoption and giving directions regarding continued contact with the birth family and anything else they feel is important about their child’s adoption.

Inheritance Rights

Before your adoption is finalized, your child has no legal rights to your estate. Depending on from where your child is adopted and the type of adoption you have, it can take anywhere from 6 months to a matter of years to finalize an adoption.

As soon as your child is placed with you, assuming it is intended to be a permanent placement, you should consider signing new Wills to include that child. Your will can include language that treats a child placed for adoption the same as a biological child or a child whose adoption has been finalized.

Trusts

I always recommend that parents of young children leave their assets to a trust for the benefit of their child. It is never advisable to leave assets to a minor, first and foremost because legally they cannot take control of an inheritance, but also because leaving assets to a minor means continued court involvement and oversight until your child reaches the age of majority.

With adoption, and particularly open adoption, the need for a trust is magnified as there may be people other than your immediate family that have a direct interest in your child’s life and well being. Keeping assets held for your child in a Trust under the control of a Trustee that you have chosen (rather than being subject to judicial process) is the best way to protect your child’s interests and preserve your assets for their benefit.

Because a Trust is usually not a public document (as opposed to a Will which gets filed with the Probate Court), it also serves as a mechanism to privately set forth special financial considerations for your child, as further discussed below.

Special Financial Considerations

There may be costs associated with raising an adopted child that go beyond making sure they are clothed, sheltered, fed and educated. If your plan for your child includes annual visits with the birth family, or a trip to the country from where they were adopted, this is something you should spell out. If they were adopted internationally, and you want them to have exposure to the culture of their homeland, you should incorporate provisions in your Trust specifically directing your Trustee to pay for travel, cultural programs, or anything else that might be related.

Supplemental Needs Trusts

If your child has any disabilities or special needs, it will be even more important that you provide for him or her after you are gone. You should consider establishing a supplemental needs trust for your child to ensure that your child meet the financial eligibility rules for private or government assistance programs while preserving the assets you leave to him or her for needs not met by such programs.

Continued Planning

Finally, you should periodically review your estate plan with an experienced estate planning attorney. Changes in the law, your family structure or financial situation are all events that warrant a revisit of your plan as they can have a dramatic impact on your estate plan.

Cheryl N. Smith is an estate planning attorney at the law firm of Bass, Doherty and Finks, P.C. www.bassdoherty.com She is also mom to her beautiful daughter adopted at birth through domestic, open adoption. She can be reached via email at csmith@bassdoherty.com or via telephone at (617)787-8948.

Copyright (c) 2009 Cheryl N. Smith

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: It Is How You Say It That Counts!

2009-11-23T10:07:00.000-05:00

In light of the absolutely great teleseminar with Nelson de Witt and Kevin Hofmann, I thought it would be great to address some of the language used in the adoption "world". During our teleseminar, Approaching the Search: Adoptees and Adoptive Parents Speak in which we addressed some of the issues that come up when adoptees want to begin looking for their brith family. One fo the subjects was the language used by both parties. The following is from USA Adoptions and gives some pointers and examples of the language used.

POSITIVE ADOPTION LANGUAGE

Choosing to use positive adoption language will help end the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you’ll reflect the true nature of adoption, free of stereotypes.

Below are some examples of positive and negative adoption language.

Positive Adoption Language	Negative Adoption Language
Birth parent	Real parents
Birth child	Own child
My child	Adopted child; own child
Make an adoption plan	Give up your child
To parent	To keep
Child placed for adoption	An Unwanted Child
Court Terminated	Child Taken Away
Child with Special Needs	Handicapped Child

Mardie Caldwell, C.O.A.P. is a Certified Open Adoption Practitioner, an award winning author of 2 adoption books AdoptingOnline.com and Adoption: Your Step-by-Step Guide. Mardie is also the talk show host of Let's Talk Adoption.com with Mardie Caldwell and the founder of Lifetime Adoption in 1986. She travels and speaks nationwide on adoption topics, family topics, infertility and writing. She has been quoted in and consulted for Parenting and Adoption magazines and has appeared on CNN, CBS, ABC, BBC, NBC, and Fox. Featured in Parade Magazine, Caldwell is an adoptive mother living in Northern California.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Aging Out with Music in the Background

2009-11-23T09:37:00.000-05:00

As a former social worker and now adoptive parent the issue of adoption for children in the United States foster care system are dear to my heart. For those who have never met me, adoption is a part of my family. It never occurred to me that I would not adopt, at some point and when I had the opportunity I did. Never did I think about the specific age of the child, but simply my desire to be a parent and provide a loving family for a child.

Working in the field of social work, specifically in child protective services, you see many things. Yes, you see children who are sexually abused by adults and other children. Yes, you will see children who are neglected educationally and emotionally. Yes, you will see children physically abused in ways the majority of society do not believe exist or does not want to think about. It would be asolutely foreign for the average adult working a 9-5 middle clas job to consider the conditions under which many childen live. When they are removed from the environments, it becomes the job of the State to provide for that child. And at the time the parents are deemed unfit, the State now becomes the "parent" and, in fact, needs to prove itself fit.

Unfortunately, the State, often fails these children. How? In an average home, at the point a child turns eighteen they have many basic skills: washing clothes, handling money, group interaction, maybe some job skills, and basic education. Not so for many children "aging out" of State care. They have been bounced around from home to home, maybe even institution to institution, and made the victim on many cases. When they turn eighteen, the road to normalcy has long sense been covered over with a trail of homes, social workers, failed grades, and broken relationships. Yet, the State says they are prepared to be adults and make in "the World". It is my contention that they are not prepared and the State is not doing a good job of preparing their own children for the World. Here some facts:

According to the most current AFCARS Report (Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System Report), 19,509 children aged out of foster care during FY 2002 in the United States.

Young adults who stayed in care after 18 were more than twice as likely to be enrolled in a school or training program as those who had been discharged (67% vs. 31%).

Young adults who stayed in care after 18, who had a high school diploma or GED, were over three times as likely as those no longer in care to be enrolled in a 2- or 4-year college. (37% vs. 12%).

Compared to the 19 year olds still in foster care, those who left the system were more likely to have become pregnant.73

A study conducted with 216 emancipated foster youth attending a four-year university found that social support was an important factor in their educational success: nearly 87% had either a friend or family member to ask for help or advice if needed, 80% had contact with their birth family, and 60% still maintained relationships with their foster or kin-care parents.74

With all of the issues involved with teens, concerns about them fitting in, and even behavioral issues they are worthy of homes, families full of love, and committed to providing them with stability not just for a few months, but for life. If you are interested in adoption, please contact your local social services agency through National Child Welfare Gateway. If you are interested in facts about children in foster and out-of-home care, you may read at National Working Group on Foster Care and Education Fact Sheet.

While searching Facebook for groups or pages which address "aging out" I ran into an interesting musical. A musical about "aging out"? It is more than some silly view, but bring the feeling of a teen in care to the forefront with elegance, humor, and a candidness that I have never seen. It highlights the issues with which I have already spoken, but from the view of teens and young adults preparing to be emancipated or "aging out".

AGING OUT is a new rock musical that tells the stories of “the ones nobody wanted” - 18 year olds who are aging out of the foster care system into independent, adult life in one giant, scary leap - unlike “normal” teenagers who get to enter adulthood with baby steps and family supporting them on the way.

We meet 13 of these teenagers as they meet each other, in a one-day “Independent Living Program” class taught by a social worker who starts out trying to teach them the “basics” of checkbooks and resumes but constantly discovers more in her students than she bargained for.

AGING OUT (book and lyrics by Tara Redepenning and Hillary Rollins, music by Darin Goulet) was developed in 2009 by UC Irvine in conjunction with the Academy for New Musical Theatre (ANMT). The UCI cast just recorded the AGING OUT cast album, which you can listen to right here (and also on Facebook).

Coming soon: video clips from the September 2009 staged reading of the show at UCI.

We also welcome your comments and questions! If you’d like to be on our mailing list, send us an email that says so, on the comments and questions page. Or become a Fan of AGING OUT on Facebook.

If you are a producer, theatre or producing organization interested in supporting the development of AGING OUT, please contact us about opportunities to become involved.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Lifelong Issues in Adoption

2009-11-23T08:33:00.000-05:00

Lifelong Issues in Adoption

By Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan

Adoption is a lifelong, intergenerational process which unites the triad of birth families, adoptees and adoptive families forever. Adoption, especially of adolescents, can lead to both great joy and tremendous pain. Recognizing the core issues in adoption is one intervention that can assist triad members and professionals working in adoption better to understand each other and the residual effects of the adoption experience.

Adoption triggers seven lifelong or core issues for all triad members, regardless of the circumstances of the adoption or the characteristics of the participants:

Loss
Rejection
Guilt and shame
Grief
Identity
Intimacy
Mastery/control

Clearly, the specific experiences of triad members vary, but there is a commonality of affective experiences which persists throughout the individual’s or family’s life cycle development. The recognition of these similarities permits dialogue among triad members and allows those professionals with whom they interface to intervene in proactive as well as curative ways.

The presence of these issues does not indicate, however, that either the individual or the institution of adoption is pathological or pseudopathological. Rather, these are expected issues that evolve logically out of the nature of adoption. Before the recent advent of open and cooperative practices, adoption had been practiced as a win/lose or adversarial process. In such an approach, birth families lose their child in order for the adoptive family to gain a child. The adoptee was transposed from one family to another with time-limited and, at times, short-sighted consideration of the child’s long-term needs. Indeed, the emphasis has been on the needs of the adults – on the needs of the birth family not to parent and on the needs of the adoptive family to parent. The ramifications of this attitude can be seen in the number of difficulties experienced by adoptees and their families over their lifetime.

Many of the issues inherent in the adoption experience converge when the adoptee reaches adolescence. At this time three factors intersect: an acute awareness of the significance of being adopted; a drive toward emancipation; and a biopsychosocial striving toward the development of an integrated identity.

It is not our intent here to question adoption, but rather to challenge some adoption assumptions, specifically, the persistent notion that adoption is not different from other forms of parenting and the accompanying disregard for the pain and struggles inherent in adoption.

However, identifying and integrating these core issues into pre-adoption education, post-placement supervision, and all post-legalized services, including treatment, universalizes and validates triad member’s experiences, decreasing their isolation and feelings of helplessness.

LOSS

Adoption is created through loss; without loss there would be no adoption. Loss then, is at the hub of the wheel. All birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees share in having experienced at least one major, life-altering loss before becoming involved in adoption. In adoption, in order to gain anything, one must first lose – a family, a child, a dream. It is these losses and the way they are accepted and, hopefully, resolved which set the tone for the lifelong process of adoption.

Adoption is a fundamental, life-altering event. It transposes people from one location in the human mosaic into totally new configuration. Adoptive parents, whether through infertility, failed pregnancy, stillbirth, or the death of a child have suffered one of life’s greatest blows prior to adopting. They have lost their dream child. No matter how well resolved the loss of bearing a child appears to be, it continues to affect the adoptive family at a variety of points throughout the family'’ live cycle issues of burgeoning sexuality and impending emancipation may rekindle the loss issue.

Birthparents lose, perhaps forever, the child to whom they are genetically connected. Subsequently, they undergo multiple losses associated with the loss of role, the loss of contact, and perhaps the loss of the other birthparent, which reshape the entire course of their lives.

Adoptees suffer their first loss at the initial separation from the birth family. Awareness of their adopted status is inevitable. Even if the loss is beyond conscious awareness, recognition, or vocabulary, it affects the adoptee on a very profound level. Any subsequent loss, or the perceived threat of separation, becomes more formidable for adoptees than their non-adopted peers.

The losses in adoption and the role they play in all triad members lives have largely been ignored. The grief process in adoption, so necessary for healthy functioning, is further complicated by the fact that there is no end to the losses, no closure to the loss experience. Loss in adoption is not a single occurrence. There is the initial, identifiable loss and innumerable secondary sub-losses. Loss becomes an evolving process, creating a theme of loss in both the individual’s and family’s development. Those losses affect all subsequent development.

Loss is always a part of triad members’ lives. A loss in adoption is never totally forgotten. It remains either in conscious awareness or is pushed into the unconscious, only to be reawakened by later loss. It is crucial for triad members, their significant others, and the professional with whom they interface, to recognize these losses and the effect loss has on their lives.

Birth Parent	Adopted Person	Adoptive Parent
"I don’t know why but I always miss the supervised visits right before we go to court."	"You don’t love me anyway – I’m out of here."	"I know my son George will blow it right before his birthday party again."

REJECTION

Feelings of loss are exacerbated by keen feelings of rejection. One way individuals seek to cope with a loss is to personalize it. Triad members attempt to decipher what they did or did not do that let to the loss. Triad members become sensitive to the slightest hint of rejection, causing them either to avoid situation where they might be rejected in order to validate their earlier negative self-perceptions.

Adoptees seldom are able to view their placement into adoption by the birthparents as anything other than total rejection. Adoptees even at young ages grasp the concept that to be "chosen" means first that one was "un-chosen", reinforcing adoptees’ lowered self-concept. Society promulgates the idea that the "good" adoptee is the one who is not curious and accepts adoption without question. At the other extreme of the continuum is the "bad" adoptee who is constantly questioning, thereby creating feelings of rejection in the adoptive parents.

Birthparents frequently condemn themselves for being irresponsible, as does society. Adoptive parents may inadvertently create fantasies for the adoptee about the birth family which reinforce these feelings of rejection. For example, adoptive parents may block an adolescent adoptee’s interest in searching for birthparents by stating that the birthparents may have married and had other children. The implication is clear that the birthparents would consider contact with the adoptee an unwelcome intrusion.

Adoptive parents may sense that their bodies have rejected them if they are infertile. This impression may lead the infertile couple, for example, to feel betrayed or rejected by God. When they come to adoption, the adoptors, possibly unconsciously, anticipate the birthparents’ rejection and criticism of their parenting. Adoptive parents struggle with issues of entitlement, wondering if perhaps they were never meant to be parents, especially to this child. The adopting family, then, may watch for the adoptee to reject them, interpreting many benign, childish actions as rejection. To avoid that ultimate rejection, some adoptive parents expel or bind adolescent adoptees prior to the accomplishment of appropriate emancipation tasks.

Birth Parent	Adopted Person	Adoptive Parent
"I don’t tell anyone about the child I relinquished – they’d say, ‘how could you give away your own child’ and have nothing to do with me."	"I can’t imagine that no one in all of China wanted me – I must be pretty weird."	"Well, God didn’t like me very much – I could never birth a child."

GUILT/SHAME

The sense of deserving such rejection leads triad members to experience tremendous guilt and shame. They commonly believe that there is something intrinsically wrong with them or their deeds that caused the losses to occur. Most triad members have internalized, romantic images of the American family which remain unfulfilled because there is no positive, realistic view of the adoptive family in our society.

For many triad members, the shame of being involved in adoption per se exists passively, often without recognition. The shame of an unplanned pregnancy, or the crisis of infertility, or the shame of having been given up remains unspoken, often as the unconscious motivator.

Adoptees suggest that something about their very being caused the adoption. The self-accusation is intensified by the secrecy often present in past and present adoption practices. These factors combine to lead the adoptee to conclude that the feelings of guilt and shame are indeed valid.

Adoptive parents, when they are diagnosed as infertile, frequently believe that they must have committed a grave sin to have received such a harsh sentence. They are ashamed of themselves, of their defective bodies, of their inability to bear children.

Birthparents feel tremendous guilt and shame for having been intimate and sexual; for the very act of conception, they find themselves guilty.

Birth Parent	Adopted Person	Adoptive Parent
"My mother said I broke her heart when I got pregnant. I’m just no good."	"If I was better my birth parents would have kept me – I guess I cried too much."	"If I were good enough to be a parent, God would have given me a baby."

GRIEF

Every loss in adoption must be grieved. The losses in adoption, however, are difficult to mourn in a society where adoption is seen as a problem-solving event filled with joy. There are no rituals to bury the unborn children; no rites to mark off the loss of role of caretaking parents; no ceremonies for lost dreams or unknown families. Grief washes over triad members' lives, particularly at times of subsequent loss or developmental transitions.

Triad members can be assisted at any point in the adoption experience by learning about and discussing the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kubler-Ross 1969).

Adoptees in their youth find it difficult to grieve their losses, although they are in many instances aware of them, even as young children. Youngsters removed from abusive homes are expected to feel only relief and gratitude, not loss and grief. Adults block children’s expressions of pain or attempt to divert them. In addition, due to developmental unfolding of cognitive processes, adoptees do not fully appreciate the total impact of their losses until their adolescence or, for many, until adulthood. This delayed grief may lead to depression or acting out through substance abuse or aggressive behaviors.

Birthparents may undergo an initial, brief, intense period of grief at the time of loss of the child, but are encouraged by well-meaning friends and family to move on in their lives and to believe that their child is better off. The grief, however, does not vanish, and, in fact, it has been reported that birth mothers may deny the experience for up to ten years (Campbell 1979).

Adoptive parents’ grief over the inability to bear children is also blocked by family and friends who encourage the couple to adopt, as if children are interchangeable. The grief of the adoptive parents continues as the child grows up since the adoptee can never fully meet the fantasies and expectations of the adoptive parents.

"As night follows day – grief follows loss."

Birth Parent	Adopted Person	Adoptive Parent
"When I had my second child, I could only think about the one I gave away."	"I feel angry and since I can’t talk about it, I’ll show you by my actions."	"I already told Andy about his adoption – he’s known about it all of his life I can’t understand why he’s acting out now that he’s 12."

IDENTITY

Adoption may also threaten triad members’ sense of identity. Triad members often express feelings related to confused identity and identity crises, particularly at times of unrelated loss.

Identity is defined both by what one is and what one is not. In adoption, birthparents are parents and are not. Adoptive parents who were not parents suddenly become parents. Adoptees born into one family, a family probably nameless to them now, lose an identity and then borrow one from the adopting family.

Adoption, for some, precludes a complete or integrated sense of self. Triad members may experience themselves as incomplete, deficient, or unfinished. They state that they lack feelings of well-being, integration, or solidity associated with a fully developed identity.

Adoptees lacking medical, genetic, religious, and historical information are plagued by questions such as Who are they? Why were they born? Were they in fact merely a mistake, not meant to have been born, an accident? This lack of identity may lead adoptees, particularly in adolescent years, to seek out ways to belong in more extreme fashion than many of their non-adopted peers. Adolescent adoptees are overrepresented among those who join sub-cultures, run away, become pregnant, or totally reject their families.

For many couples in our society a sense of identity is tied to procreation. Adoptive parents may lose that sense of generativity, of being tied to the past and future, often created through procreation.

Adoptive parents and birthparents share a common experience of role confusion. They are handicapped by the lack of positive identity associated with being either a birthparent or adoptive parent (Kirk 1964). Neither set of parents can lay full claim to the adoptee and neither can gain distance from any problems that may arise.

"Who the hell am I?"

Birth Parent	Adopted Person	Adoptive Parent
"I’m a parent, but not a real parent – I never know how to answer when people ask, ‘do you have any children?’"	"If I can’t belong anywhere else I can belong to the Crips or the Moonies."	"I cringe when people ask, "Do you have any children of you own?"

INTIMACY

The multiple, ongoing losses in adoption, coupled with feelings of rejection, shame, and grief as well as an incomplete sense of self, may impede the development of intimacy for triad members. One maladaptive way to avoid possible reenactment of previous losses is to avoid closeness and commitment.

Adoptive parents report that their adopted children seem to hold back a part of themselves in the relationship. Adoptive mothers indicate, for example, that even as an infant, the adoptee was "not cuddly". Many adoptees as teen state that they truly have never felt close to anyone. Some youngsters declare a lifetime emptiness related to a longing for the birthmother they may have never seen.

Due to these multiple losses for both adoptees and adoptive parents, there may also have been difficulties in early bonding and attachment. For children adopted at older ages, multiple disruptions in attachment and/or abuse may interfere with relationships in the new family (Fahlberg 1979 a, b).

The adoptee’s intimacy issues are particularly evident in relationships with members of the opposite sex and revolve around questions about the adoptee’s conception, biological and genetic concerns, and sexuality.

The adoptive parents’ couple relationship may have been irreparably harmed by the intrusive nature of medical procedures and the scapegoating and blame that may have been part of the diagnosis of infertility. These residual effects may become the hallmark of the later relationship.

Birthparents may come to equate sex, intimacy, and pregnancy with pain leading them to avoid additional loss by shunning intimate relationships. Further, birthparents may question their ability to parent a child successfully. In many instances, the birthparents fear intimacy in relationships with opposite sex partners, family or subsequent children.

Birth Parent	Adopted Person	Adoptive Parent
"It always hurts – but somehow I pick men who will hurt me again."	"The only think I know about my birthparents is they had sex at 14."	"I wonder if I love my son as much as I would if he were born to me?"

MASTERY/CONTROL

Adoption alters the course of one’s life. This shift presents triad members with additional hurdles in their development, and may hinder growth, self-actualization, and the evolution of self-control.

Birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees are all forced to give up control. Adoption, for most, is a second choice. Birthparents did not grow up with romantic images of becoming accidentally pregnant or abusing their children and surrendering them for adoption. In contrast, the pregnancy or abuse is a crisis situation whose resolution becomes adoption. In order to solve the predicament, birthparents must surrender not only the child but also their volition, leading to feelings of victimization and powerlessness which may become themes in birthparents’ lives.

Adoptees are keenly aware that they were not party to the decision which let to their adoption. They had no control over the loss of the birth family or the choice of the adoptive family. The adoption proceeded with adults making life-altering choices for them. This unnatural change of course impinges on growth toward self-actualization and self-control. Adolescent adoptees, attempting to master the loss of control they have experienced in adoption, frequently engage in power struggles with adoptive parents and other authority figures. They may lack internalized self-control, leading to a lowered sense of self-responsibility. These patterns, frequently passive/aggressive in nature, may continue into adulthood.

For adoptive parents, the intricacies of the adoption process lead to feelings of helplessness. These feelings sometimes cause adoptive parents to view themselves as powerless, and perhaps not entitled to be parents, leading to laxity in parenting. As an alternative response, some adoptive parents may seek to regain the lost control by becoming overprotective and controlling, leading to rigidity in the parent/adoptee relationship.

Birth Parent	Adopted Person	Adoptive Parent
"It all happened to me – I guess I was just born a victim."	"The most important decision of my life was made without my say – it doesn’t make sense so why don’t you understand that I’m no good at cause and effect thinking."	"I tried everything and still didn’t have a child – so I don’t really feel entitled to ACT like a parent."

SUMMARY

The experience of adoption, then can be one of loss, rejection, built/shame, grief, diminished identity, thwarted intimacy, and threats to self-control and to the accomplishment of mastery. These seven core or lifelong issues permeate the lives of triad members regardless of the circumstances of the adoption. Identifying these core issues can assist triad members and professionals in establishing an open dialogue and alleviating some of the pain and isolation which so often characterize adoption. Triad members may need professional assistance in recognizing that they may have become trapped in the negative feelings generated by the adoption experience. Armed with this new awareness, they can choose to catapult themselves into growth and strength.

Triad members may repeatedly do and undo their adoption experiences in their minds and in their vacillating behaviors while striving toward mastery. They will benefit from identifying, exploring and ultimately accepting the role of the seven core issues in their lives.

The following tasks and questions will help triad members and professionals explore the seven core issues in adoption:

List the losses, large and small, that you have experienced in adoption.
Identify the feelings associated with these losses.
What experiences in adoption have led to feelings of rejection?
Do you ever see yourself rejecting others before they can reject you? When?
What guilt or shame do you feel about adoption? What feelings do you experience when you talk about adoption?
Identify your behaviors at each of the five stages of the grief process. Have you accepted your losses?
How has adoption impacted your sense of who you are?

This article was can be read along with other information at FAIR - Families Adopting In Response.

NATIONAL ADTOPION MONTH: Pigeon Holed

2009-11-23T08:24:00.000-05:00

Pidgeon-holed

While searching the web to see what other people were saying about Suzanne Berghaus I came across the The Transracial Korean Adoptee Nexus blog. The site’s focus is on Korean Adoption and Pan-Asian identity issues it also looked at other adoptee related news. The goal of the site is to “empower transracial adoptees to speak out and speak with each other.”
kadnexus makes a an excellent point in his post about the story.

"Once again I find myself coming back to this idea of identity where transracial adoptees exist within their own space of identity. Just as many are torn between the duality of American/White culture (that they were raised on) and their birth country’s culture, it seems that trying to classify the nuanced situations ofadoptees as either immigrant or refugee is too complex.
We are still considered Asian by appearance, conform to various stereotypes of the already pervasive and systemic virus of over-achievement, yet we also have been raised within middle to affluent White Christian America-raised on many of the same values and logic that most Whites use to manipulate programs such as affirmative action, andracialize people of color. We are inherently taught how to socialize with mainstream white society, communicate with impeccable English, and are given the resources needed to survive. I realize that quite a few of us turned out “ok” but I think it was an interesting analysis that really considers the privileged status from which we come from as Asian American adoptees."

I think he makes a great point. Where do transracial adoptees fit in? While many of of benefit from our up brings at the same time it alienates us from our own people. My comment to him was that to white people I am Hispanic and to Hispanics I’m a gringo/white. Where does that leave me? With out a defined culture perhaps.

His response was that “America is all about pidgeon-holing people into picking sides (similarly for biracial people) we are made to feel as though we HAVE to choose sides to be legimitate individuals” I completely agree with this. Growing up I remember one of my friends of a mix racial background “picked” a side that people thought was wrong. She was given a lot of crap for not acknowledging her “black” heritage.
I guess why question is: Isn’t this what America is all about? What makes America great is that it has become this melting pot of culture. That we have all these different points of view and life experiences. Why should we be made to feel like this is a bad thing?

Kadnexus’ goal is to “empower adoptees to feel this space as their own-I think that our identity is unique.” I think is a great goal since a big part of being a transracial adoptee or biracial individual is picking sides.

Nelson de Witt, was born in El Salvador, adopted by parents in the America, and is often a speaker on the topic of transracial adoptions. He is social entrepreneur, photographer and digital native with a passion for life. Separated from my family in the Salvadorian Civil War, adopted by a family in America, he was reunited with his biological family 10 years ago. He now works to combine business principle with social objectives. Nelson has a blog Ana’s Miracle dedicated to sharing his story of adoption and encouraging open dialogue within adoptive families.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Adoption Speaks

2009-11-12T06:25:00.000-05:00

Approaching the Search: Adoptees and Adoptive Parents Speak

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 from 8:30 PM - 9:30 PM (ET)

Addressing the topic of adoptees searching for their birthparents can be touchy for both the adoptee and their adoptive parents. There are concerns on both sides. This open forum and teleseminar features two adoptees and an adoptive parent. Our intention is to address the sensitive topic of searching for biological parents from both the adoptee and adoptive parent perspective with empathy, understanding, and straight conversation. A few topics that will be addressed:

· Adoptive parent fears

· Adoptee fears of addressing parents with the desire to search

· Terminology used

· How to prepare for the conversation

· Process of addressing biological parents as part of the adoptee

· Non-threatening ways to address biological parentage with adoptees for adoptive parents

If you are considering adopting, have adopted, are an adoptee, or work in the field this is a call you will want to attend. It will provide a level of conversation, perspectives, and tips that will make a difference. Be sure to bring your questions, thoughts, and concerns to this fabulous gathering of speakers willing to share their experiences and advice with you.

Your Speakers

Sidney Gaskins, adopted her son, when he was 3 years old. She is a former social worker, who was able to adopt a child from State foster care. She is no stranger to adoption, there are 4 people adopted in her family which made it easy for her to make the choice to adopt. Sidney is an advocate for adoption, children in foster care, and healthy family relationships. She has chosen to dedicate her blog The Pulse to bringing awareness to the need for adoption and foster care support through a 30 Day Blogathon.

Kevin Hofmann, is the biracial son, of a white mother and black father. Kevin was immediately placed in a foster home and adopted by a white Lutheran minister, his white wife and their three white children. Rising from these struggles is an inspiring story of a transracial family who grew up in one of the most racially volatile cities in America and survived. Now married with two sons of his own, he hopes to help encourage transracial families by sharing his experiences through humor and naked honesty. You can read more from Kevin at My Mind on Paper, his blog.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Outstanding Leaders Awarded

2009-11-10T08:47:00.000-05:00

100 current and former foster youth receive national honor for personal achievement and community service.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – One hundred young people who have been in foster care were named Outstanding Young Leaders of 2009 in celebration of National Foster Care Month. The recipients from all across the U.S. were honored by FosterClub, the national network for youth in foster care, for their leadership, accomplishments, educational achievement, and community service

“Advocating for better policies – and lives – for children and youth in foster care is my passion,” said Wilfredo Soto, a 19 year old Outstanding Young Leader from Connecticut. “As a foster youth, I know what it feels like to be abandoned, stigmatized and traumatized. I am dedicated to creating positive change for children who have experienced what I have.”

Photographs and personal stories of each of the 100 Outstanding Young Leaders can be viewed on the FosterClub website at: www.fosterclub.org. The Young Leaders include:

• 21 year old Kimberly Snodgrass. After shuffling in and out of foster care, Kimberly was adopted at age 16. Although she did not attend school full-time until age 11, Kimberly graduated from high school with honors and is currently a senior at UC-Irvine. She has written two books on her experiences in foster care and has been accepted to Harvard University, where she hopes to receive a Masters degree in Education and work in the non-profit sector helping foster youth. “Look out for Kimberly,” her nominator said. “She WILL be making a difference.”

• 16 year old George White. George entered foster care at age 2 after his father died. Though he has 13 siblings, he has not seen them in many years. A high school junior, George is an aspiring film-maker who has shot and directed videos for Apl.De.Ap of the Black Eyed Peas and for the nonprofit organization Peace4Kids.

• 20 year old Cedric Riley. Cedric spent 7 years in Ohio’s foster care system before being adopted. Cedric has received more than $150,000 in academic scholarships at Ohio State University. He often serves as a motivational speaker and in 2008 Cedric hosted a statewide rally titled “Success Is a Choice.” Cedric says “I’ve dedicated my life to making a difference in the lives of foster youth by providing hope and encouragement through my life story.”

“Despite the hardships and setbacks these Outstanding Young Leaders faced, they have already achieved great success. As importantly, these inspiring young people are committed to making a difference for the children and youth still in foster care,” said Congressman Jim McDermott (D-WA), chair of the U.S. House of Representatives Income Security and Family Support Subcommittee which has jurisdiction over the nation’s child welfare system. “They serve as tremendously effective mentors and role models for youth still in foster care and are working hard to improve the foster care system and the lives and futures of the children in its care.” McDermott has been a dedicated advocate for foster children and introduced and championed the Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act that was signed into law last year and represented the most significant reform in the child welfare system in over a decade.

“What motivates me is knowing that my success is not about me. My success, my story and my hard work will pave the way so that others can have a chance to reach their dreams,” said Keisha Shelton, a Howard University junior and Outstanding Young Leader. “Just because we are in foster care, we shouldn’t get an unfair shot at life...We deserve more.”

Foster care was designed as a temporary solution to remove children from abuse and neglect, but children often languish in foster care before returning to their families, joining new adoptive families or living permanently with relative caregivers. More than 26,000 young people “aged out” of foster care last year without a permanent family to rely upon. Research reveals that many youth who “age out” of foster experience homelessness, unemployment, incarceration or illness – fewer than 3% of youth who age out of foster care graduate from college and nearly 1 in 5 become homeless.

For more information about FosterClub’s Outstanding Young Leaders and to read the bios of the 2009 recipients, visit www.fosterclub.org.

ABOUT FOSTERCLUB: FosterClub is the national network for young people in foster care. FosterClub's mission is to improve life for young people in foster care through a national network that is built for youth and powered by youth. The organization is founded on the principle that young people in and from foster care deserve to be connected, informed, inspired and represented. At the FosterClub Web site, www.fosterclub.org, youth ask questions and get answers. They discover other successful former foster youth, share opinions about their foster care experience, get recognition for overcoming obstacles, and connect with supportive adults.

GETTING INVOLVED:

November is National Adoption Month. Please consider the opportunity to adopt, foster, mentor, or be an advocate for children in foster care. You may also have the desire to provide clothing or supplies to foster children, you can do that through Clothing Our Youth. We collect gift cards and share them with a designated charity which provides supplies, free of charge, to foster parents for the children. Today is the perfect day to donate.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Jeremy's Story

2009-11-09T07:58:00.000-05:00

As a child growing up in a broken home, it was extremely hard for me to create and hold onto healthy relationships. Bouncing from parent to parent and town to town made it very difficult to stay in touch with any of the friends that I had in school or any of the families neighboring me. Until I entered foster when I was age 12 I had no idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. I was kidnapped from my mom by my dad at the age of five and was released at the age of seven. In those two years I was put through hell. In my memory of this period, my dad tortured me mentally, physically and emotionally by not allowing me to eat, sleep or use the bathroom. If I was allowed to sleep, I slept on a filthy couch where the dog slept. The “room” they dead bolted me into was a box-filled storage space that had a pair of sliding doors connecting the room next to it. My dad’s girlfriend had drilled holes in the doors so she could spy on me making sure that I did not sit or lay on the floor.

After two years of the torture my dad finally returned me to my mom. When I arrived at my mom’s house she was so excited to see me that she would not let me out of her arms. I was just as excited to see her because I was finally away from the abuse; but after just a few good years with my mom, the abuse started again. She became an alcoholic and a prostitute. She would bring home random men on a nightly basis who would verbally abuse me. When she got drunk she would get mad at me and begin throwing objects such as glass cups, forks, knives and anything else she could get her hands on. Luckily I was able to dodge the objects, but at the age of eleven it was scary. She also had a bad habit of driving under the influence, which caused us to get into multiple car accidents. Due to my mom’s drinking problem she would spend her entire paycheck on alcohol that resulted in us being evicted from our homes and my mom losing her jobs. After losing our last house we moved in with one of my sisters and on my birthday my mom found a trucker and left for California.

Because of the abuse I was put through as a child I was not able to get close to anyone when I entered foster care. I had a lot of issues when it came to trusting anyone that I met in my life and it was especially hard for me to trust men since all I went through with my dad was two years of bad experiences.

I remember a conversation that I had with my foster mom when I entered the home at age 12 and it involved my education. She was well aware of how unstable my educational situation was growing up and she assured me, unless I chose differently, that I would stay in the same high school all four years. I was very excited to hear of this because I had a hard time maintaining relationships because I moved and switched schools so much. But as time went on and my foster mom continuously introduced me to her friends and family I began trusting people again and was able to feel that I wasn’t in danger of losing everything. I never had the ideal family to look up to; simply meaning father, mother and some kids. That all changed when my foster mom had introduced me to one of her friend’s son when I was about 12. Our relationship grew quickly since we were on the same cycling team and since our parents were good friends. We soon became inseparable and I would spend quite a bit of time at each others houses. This is where I began noticing what an ideal family was supposed to look like. I looked up to my best friend’s dad as the man I should role model. My foster mom always reminded me of this as well. Having that role model really helped me mature into the man I am today.

As mentioned before, until I entered foster care I had no idea what a real family was supposed to look like. Entering foster care required me to create my own family. When people that weren’t aware of my situation would ask about my parents it was difficult for me to disclose that I only had a mother. They would then express their curiosity and ask the status of my father and I would then discuss my situation as a foster youth. Creating my family within foster care was surprisingly easy. I quickly became accepting of my situation realizing that where I was in life was where I fit best. I was happy, loved and for once in my life, stable. This was only possible with the support and encouragement that I consistently received from my newfound family. To this day I consider my foster mom as my mom and my best friend’s family has supported me as if I were one of their own. Because of this support it has shaped the values and morals and has heightened my sense of maturity shaping me into the man I am today.

FosterClub All-Star Jeremy Long, age 21, spent 5 years in Colorado’s foster care system. With foster care being new to both Jeremy and his foster mom, they met the challenge together. He is currently a senior at the University of Northern Colorado majoring in communication and enjoys spending time with his dog and in the company of friends in his free time. Jeremy spent last summer participating in FosterClub’s All-Star internship, where he worked to promote awareness, advocate, and provide motivation to his younger peers still coming through the foster care system. FosterClub is the national network for young people in foster care. Read more about Jeremy and other young leaders of FosterClub at www.fosterclub.org.

GETTING INVOLVED:

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: In Focus

2009-11-09T07:25:00.000-05:00

BILLY MILLS

As a child I remember seeing Running Brave, starring Robbie Benson. It is basically the story of the American Indian that overcame adversity to go on to win the 10,000 meter long distance race in the Tokyo Olympics, which is extraordinarily inspiring. Most often, in school, I was used to hearing stories of discrimination between White and Black. This gave me a new perspective on the issue of diversity and discrimination of other peoples. His story is significant in many ways, the discrimination to which he was subjected and that he overcame being torn between two cultures: American Indian and White American. At the age of 13, Billy found himself orphaned.While attending Haskell Institute, which is now known as Haskell Indian Nations University in Lawrence, Kansas; he gave up boxing to focus on running. As a former foster child, or as it was put in his day "child in care", I have always found his story extraordinary and inspiring. You never know who you are fostering.

Thank you to FosterClub for their permission to use this article. FosterClub is the national network for young people in foster care and is headquartered in Seaside, Oregon. The organization’s mission is to lead the efforts of young people in and from foster care to become connected, educated, inspired and represented so they can realize their personal potential and contribute to a better life for their peers.

Many consider it the most sensational race ever run in Olympic History. It was the 10,000 meter race at the 1964 Olympics in Tokyo. No American had ever won the event. And no American was expected to win the event that year. Australia’s Ron Clark who was world famous in the event was favored to win, with second place expected to be taken by a Tunisian runner. Experts felt that any of the runners were capable of third place – there wasn’t a stand-out. The American Olympic Team sponsors had so little faith in Mills that he was initially refused a pair of running shoes because they only had enough shoes for those who were expected to win.

The race started out as predicted. The Australian and the Tunisian broke away from the pack at the beginning of the race and stayed in first and second position for nearly the whole race. For the USA, a Native American Marine named Billy Mills was back in the pack- so far that he looked completely out of contention. Although he was near last, Mills had not given up on himself and was performing as he always did during his years of practice for this event: “The sleek Native American…(was)…running as smoothly as the wind, without effort, in perfect control”.

Suddenly on the last stretch of the final lap, as if he had planned the race just as it was unfolding, Billy Mills stepped up his smooth pace, began to overtake the pack, recovered from a near stumble, closed in on the two leaders, then at the last possible minute, streaked pass them. Unbelievably Mills took the tape! America had won gold in one of the biggest upsets in Olympic History. Billy Mills crossed the finish line with a record setting time of 28 minutes 24.01 seconds.

That day in Tokyo, with Olympic Gold around his neck, Billy Mills became a national hero. In 92 years of Olympic History, no American had ever won the 10,000 meter run.
But his spectacular win did not give a hint of the obstacles Mills had overcome in his life.

Billy Mills was born June 30, 1938. He was born on the reservation in Pine Ridge, South Dakota, desolate, poverty stricken and even today considered the poorest county in the United States. Billy’s mom was one quarter Sioux and died when Mills was seven years old. His dad, who was three quarters Sioux died when Billy was 12.

One of the big problems with this background was that being part Lakota Indian and part Caucasian made Billy “mixed blood” in the Indian community, which was very unacceptable. In the white community being Indian was unacceptable, also. Billy was an outsider and he had no mom or dad to help him deal with the rejection he experienced.

After the loss of both his parents, Mills was sent to a boarding school on the reservation as a child in care then later to another boarding school in Lawrence, Kansas. He took up running as a way to deal with not being accepted. “I would run five or 10 miles on weekends to get away from everybody else. And I cried. I’d be crying while I was running. A half-blood and an orphan – you couldn’t get much lonelier than that”.

The summer after his high school freshman year, Billy worked on the reservation and lived out of his old car. One morning when he awoke, he recalled something his Dad told him: that the only thing between him and success was hard work. Since his Dad’s passing, Billy had been running as therapy for his pain and loneliness. Suddenly the running took on a new dimension.

Billy looked at running in a new light. He began to see that he had talent as a runner and with hard work, his achievements in track could become his ticket to acceptance. By his senior year, he earned a track scholarship to the University of Kansas. At the University, he built a successful athletic career excelling at track and even won some fame as a runner.

During this time Mills made his first attempt at his longtime dream: to be a member of the USA Olympic Team. When he didn’t make the 1960 squad, he was discouraged and he gradually began to let go of his dream to compete in track. He was giving up on his personal life, too. He felt that he was being judged unfairly because he was Native American. He didn’t feel accepted by students and faculty, even with his own classmates and coach. 3 When he returned to the Reservation in the summer, he felt rejected again, accused of taking on the white man’s life. He felt he didn’t fit in anywhere.

Upon graduation from the University of Kansas, Billy married his long time sweetheart and took a commission in the United States Marine Corps. He says: “All my life I felt like I didn’t belong. The Marine Corps said ‘You belong’”. To this day, Mills encourages youth to consider the Marines. “I always mention the Marine corps in my speeches because it had such an influence on my life. The Marine Corps and sports were the only places I felt like I belonged, like I had a home…. The Marine Corps is a tremendous opportunity for anyone who is interested in a challenging career. It’s a great place to learn discipline, dedication, focus, mission accomplishment, honor, and gain career experience. Not to mention the pride one gets from being called a Marine.”

While in the Marines, Mills was not selected at first for the Marine Corps team training for the Olympics. Billy took his case to the commanding officer and after declaring his conviction that he felt he could win the 10,000 meter race, he was assigned to the All-Marine Track Team. Remembering his Dad’s words about hard work, Billy trained by running nearly 100 miles a week.

The rest is history. Billy went on to unbelievably conquer all previous Olympic records and for the first time in history, won the 10,000 meter run for the USA. Reports say that the crowd and his coach and wife were so stunned by his come from behind finish that, in the ensuing emotions, Billy couldn’t run the traditional victory lap.

Where is Billy Mills now?

Bill Mills is now 71 and still making an impression on the World. He is the National Spokesperson for Running Strong for American Indian Youth^®. Along with Nicholas Sparks, Billy co-authored the book Wokini: A Lakota Journey to Happiness and Understanding. The book teaches life lessons about hapiiness through Indian legends. Today Billy travels over 300 days every year. He visits American Indian communities throughout the U.S. and speaks to American Indian youth about healthy lifestyles and taking pride in their heritage. He remains married to his wife, Pat, of 45 years and is the father of 3 children.

GETTING INVOLVED:

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Child Advocacy

2009-11-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

2009-11-06T08:07:00.000-05:00

Raising Katie

What adopting a white girl taught a black family about race in the Obama era.

Courtesy Mark Riding

Mark Riding (left) with his son Niles and adoptive daughter Katie O'Dea-Smith at Disney World. Katie and her baby sister Langston attend a birthday party with Terri Riding (right).

By Tony Dokoupil | Newsweek Web Exclusive
Apr 23, 2009

Several pairs of eyes follow the girl as she pedals around the playground in an affluent suburb of Baltimore. But it isn't the redheaded fourth grader who seems to have moms and dads of the jungle gym nervous on this recent Saturday morning. It's the African-American man—six feet tall, bearded and wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt—watching the girl's every move. Approaching from behind, he grabs the back of her bicycle seat as she wobbles to a stop. "Nice riding," he says, as the fair-skinned girl turns to him, beaming. "Thanks, Daddy," she replies. The onlookers are clearly flummoxed.

As a black father and adopted white daughter, Mark Riding and Katie O'Dea-Smith are a sight at best surprising, and at worst so perplexing that people feel compelled to respond. Like the time at a Pocono Mountains flea market when Riding scolded Katie, attracting so many sharp glares that he and his wife, Terri, 37, and also African-American, thought "we might be lynched." And the time when well-intentioned shoppers followed Mark and Katie out of the mall to make sure she wasn't being kidnapped. Or when would-be heroes come up to Katie in the cereal aisle and ask, "Are you OK?"—even though Terri is standing right there.

Is it racism? The Ridings tend to think so, and it's hard to blame them. To shadow them for a day, as I recently did, is to feel the unease, notice the negative attention and realize that the same note of fear isn't in the air when they attend to their two biological children, who are 2 and 5 years old. It's fashionable to say that the election of Barack Obama has brought the dawn of a post-racial America. In the past few months alone, The Atlantic Monthly has declared "the end of white America," The Washington Post has profiled the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People's struggle for relevance in a changing world, and National Public Radio has led discussions questioning the necessity of the annual Black History Month. Perhaps not surprising, most white and black Americans no longer cite racism as a major social problem, according to recent polls.

But the Ridings' experience runs counter to these popular notions of harmony. And adoption between races is particularly fraught. So-called transracial adoptions have surged since 1994, when the Multiethnic Placement Act reversed decades of outright racial matching by banning discrimination against adoptive families on the basis of race. But the growth has been all one-sided. The number of white families adopting outside their race is growing and is now in the thousands, while cases like Katie's—of a black family adopting a nonblack child—remain frozen at near zero.

Decades after the racial integration of offices, buses and water fountains, persistent double standards mean that African-American parents are still largely viewed with unease as caretakers of any children other than their own—or those they are paid to look after. As Yale historian Matthew Frye Jacobson has asked: "Why is it that in the United States, a white woman can have black children but a black woman cannot have white children?"

That question hit home for the Ridings in 2003, when Terri's mother, Phyllis Smith, agreed to take in Katie, then 3, on a temporary basis. A retired social worker, Phyllis had long been giving needy children a home—and Katie was one of the hardest cases. The child of a local prostitute, her toddler tantrums were so disturbing that foster families simply refused to keep her. Twelve homes later, Katie was still being passed around. Phyllis was in many ways an unlikely savior. The former president of the Baltimore chapter of the National Association of Black Social Workers, she joined her colleagues in condemning the adoption of black children by white families as "cultural genocide"—a position she still holds in theory, if not in practice. She couldn't say no to the "charming, energetic" girl who ended up on her front doorstep.

Last November, after a grueling adoption process—"[adoption officials] pushed the envelope on every issue," says Mark—little Irish-Catholic Katie O'Dea, as pale as a communion wafer, became Katie O'Dea-Smith: a formally adopted member of the African-American Riding-Smith family. (Phyllis is her legal guardian, but Mark and Terri were also vetted as legal surrogates for Phyllis.)

To be sure, it's an unconventional arrangement. Katie spends weekdays with Phyllis, her legal guardian. But Mark and Terri, who live around the corner, are her de facto parents, too. They help out during the week, and welcome Katie over on weekends and holidays. As for titles: Katie calls Phyllis "Mommy" and Terri "Sister," since technically it's true. Mark has always been "Daddy" or "Mark."

"Let me just put it out there," says Mark, a 38-year-old private-school admissions director with an appealing blend of megaphone voice and fearless opinion, especially when it comes to his family. "I've never felt more self-consciously black than while holding our little white girl's hand in public." He used to write off the negative attention as innocent curiosity. But after a half-decade of rude comments and revealing faux pas—like the time his school's guidance counselor called Katie a "foster child" in her presence—he now fights the ignorance with a question of his own: why didn't a white family step up to take Katie?

Riding's challenge hints at a persistent social problem. "No country in the world has made more progress toward combating overt racism than [the United States]," says David Schneider, a Rice University psychologist and the author of "The Psychology of Stereotyping." "But the most popular stereotype of black people is still that they're violent. And for a lot of people, not even racist people, the sight of a white child with a black parent just sets off alarm signals."

Part of the reason for the adoptive imbalance comes down to numbers, and the fact that people tend to want children of their own race. African-Americans represent almost one third of the 510,000 children in foster care, so black parents have a relatively high chance of ending up with a same-race child. (Not so for would-be adoptive white parents who prefer the rarest thing of all in the foster-care system: a healthy white baby.) But the dearth of black families with nonblack children also has painful historical roots. Economic hardship and centuries of poisonous belief in the so-called civilizing effects of white culture upon other races have familiarized Americans with the concept of white stewardship of other ethnicities, rather than the reverse.

The result is not only discomfort among whites at the thought of nonwhites raising their offspring; African-Americans can also be wary when one of their own is a parent to a child outside their race. Just ask Dallas Cowboys All-Pro linebacker DeMarcus Ware and his wife, Taniqua, who faced a barrage of criticism after adopting a nonblack baby last February. When The New York Times sports page ran a photo of the shirtless new father with what appeared to be a white baby in his arms (and didn't mention race in the accompanying story), it sent a slow shock wave through the African-American community, pitting supporters who celebrated the couple's joy after three painful miscarriages against critics who branded the Wares "self-race-hating individuals" for ignoring the disproportionate number of blacks in foster care. The baby, now their daughter, Marley, is in fact Hispanic. "Do you mean to tell me that the Wares couldn't have found a little black baby to adopt?" snarled one blogger on the Daily Voice, an online African-American newspaper.

For the relatively few black families that do adopt non-African-American children, and the adoptive children themselves, the experience can be confusing. "I hadn't realized how often we talked about white people at home," says Mark. "I hadn't realized that dinnertime stories were often told with reference to the race of the players, or that I often used racial stereotypes, as in the news only cares about some missing spring-break girl because she is blonde.'"

Katie, too, has sometimes struggled with her unusual situation, and how outsiders perceive it. When she's not drawing, swimming or pining after teen heartthrob Zac Efron, she's often dealing with normal kid teasing with a nasty edge. "They'll ignore me or yell at me because I have a black family," she says. Most of her friends are black, although her school is primarily white. And Terri has noticed something else: Katie is uncomfortable identifying people by their race.

Is she racially confused? Should her parents be worried? Opinions vary in the larger debate about whether race is a legitimate consideration in adoption. At present, agencies that receive public funding are forbidden from taking race into account when screening potential parents. They are also banned from asking parents to reflect on their readiness to deal with race-related issues, or from requiring them to undergo sensitivity training. But a well-meaning policy intended to ensure colorblindness appears to be backfiring. According to a study published last year by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, transracial parents are often ill equipped to raise children who are themselves unprepared for the world's racial realities.

Now lawmakers may rejoin the charged race-adoption debate. Later this year the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights, an independent federal think tank, is expected to publish a summary of expert testimony on adoption law—much of which will ask Congress to reinstate race as a salient consideration in all cases. The testimony, from the Evan B. Donaldson institute and others, will also suggest initiatives currently banned or poorly executed under existing policies, including racial training for parents and intensifying efforts to recruit more black adoptive families.

Would such measures be a step back for Obama's post-racial America? It's hard to tell. The Ridings, for their part, are taking Katie's racial training into their own hands. They send her to a mixed-race school, and mixed-race summer camps, celebrate St. Patrick's Day with gusto and buy Irish knickknacks, like a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" T shirt and a mug with Katie's O'Dea family crest emblazoned on it. But they worry it won't be enough. "All else being equal, I think she should be with people who look like her," says Mark. "It's not fair that she's got to grow up feeling different when she's going to feel different anyway. She wears glasses, her voice is a bit squeaky, and on top of that she has to deal with the fact that her mother is 70 and black."

But even if Katie feels different now, the Riding-Smiths have given her both a stable home and a familiarity with two ethnic worlds that will surely serve her well as she grows up in a country that is increasingly blended. And it may be that hers will be the first truly post-racial generation.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Beyond Foster Care

2009-11-05T08:44:00.000-05:00

Getting Beyond the Foster Care System: What Works for Teens

Q&A with Betsy Krebs

Could you have made it entirely on your own at 18 or 21? Each year, roughly 25,000 young people “age out” of the foster care system, many without family or economic supports. Without connection to a caring adult and support to plan and prepare, these youth face steep challenges, including higher rates of unemployment, poor educational attainment, health issues, incarceration, and homelessness.
But those are the problems, the statistics—what about the potential of these teens, and their desire to succeed? And what of the programs that are tapping that potential?
In 1992, attorneys Betsy Krebs and Paul Pitcoff founded the Youth Advocacy Center (YAC) in New York City, based on their belief that with guidance and tools, teens in foster care can succeed as adults. The YAC program teaches self-advocacy and goal-setting to empower teens to take on significant responsibility for planning for their futures.
In the wake of New York Times coverage spotlighting the struggles of New York City’s foster care agencies, we spoke with Betsy Krebs about what works to help teens aging out of foster care succeed.

Has there been progress in recent years in New York? Does the New York Times story recognize that progress?

The major progress in New York City child welfare is the reduction of the number of children in foster care, due at least in part to a government commitment to preventive services for families.
However, a large proportion of those who remain in temporary foster care—often for years—are teenagers. We’ve seen more discussion about “preparing youth for adulthood,” and increased interest in teens aging out, but we still need to see more change that supports teens becoming successful participating citizens.

The foster care system was designed to protect children from imminent harm, not prepare teens for adulthood. The system has been given the responsibility of raising teens to adulthood, but that’s not what it was designed for nor currently prepared to accomplish.

What are the challenges facing young people aging out of foster care as they become adults?

Working with thousands of young people from foster care, we know that they have aspirations, strengths and talents, and the potential to become fully participating citizens who contribute in a range of fields.
The main challenges facing young people are: (1) the culture of low expectations for teens in foster care and (2) the lack of accountability for their success or failure. A principle challenge is changing the thinking and the current practices that resist and prevent teens from taking on more responsibility for preparing for a future of successful independence.
Until that happens, most young people aging out of the foster care system will not be prepared for college and meaningful careers. Too many will continue to end up homeless, jobless, and incarcerated, without the resources they need to become successful adults.

What can be done?

There are three sets of “players” available to help teens escape poverty and other challenges after foster care.
Teens. First, the teens themselves are untapped resources. They can make significant contributions to the community, and speak most passionately and articulately about what they want for their lives—not just today but for their futures. If given responsibility and adequate supports, they are the best advocates for themselves, and they will carve out a path to reach their goals.
Child Welfare Professionals. Second, the thousands of dedicated and experienced professionals in the foster care system can help lift teens out of poverty if they are given support and tools to treat each teen as an individual with potential.
We need to recognize that many professionals have a wealth of creativity and experience and must find ways to allow them to bring this resource into the process of preparing teens for independence. Employing the Socratic approach—supporting teens in learning for themselves—would create a powerful collaboration of professional and teen that would dramatically elevate teens’ responsibility level and critical thinking and problem-solving skills.

Community. The third group that has demonstrated interest and talent in helping teens in foster care is the broader community—the private sector, experts on higher education, national service, the arts. Busy individuals from every background are willing to contribute experience, resources and perspective on what we can all do to help young people escape poverty.

Whether it means giving advice to individual teens (as leading urban professionals do in our Getting Beyond the System® Self-Advocacy program), providing scholarships, internships, or participating in policy discussions about foster care reform, the input of the wider community is invaluable and must be increased.

How can we measure program success? What should we look for in any program addressing issues related to aging out?

Right now there are no real metrics for teens that gauge their success after foster care.

Rather than needing more training programs in “independent living skills,” young people need to be able to acquire information, investigate opportunities, and make decisions relying on their intellectual power. Today’s youth must be prepared to adapt to constantly changing conditions—in their own lives, in the communities in which they live, in their country, and in the larger world.

You’ve talked about switching from seeing young people as problem to seeing them as individuals with assets and strengths. How do we do that?

We should no longer tolerate treating teens as problems to be solved, cases to be diagnosed, managed, and restrained. If they remain objects of treatment teams, of case planning meetings, of behavior modification and management, of training programs, there is no reason for teens to respond positively.

Instead, we must adopt approaches that treat them as subjects of their own preparation for adulthood. They must be independent thinkers and lifelong students who carve out their own paths to the future.

The Socratic approach, described above, is one way our program and others around the country engage teens and adults to learn critical thinking skills together. It gives young people responsibility for developing their own approaches to solving problems, and teaches them to be active learners.
Another concrete tool we use is the informational interview. We ask every young person in foster care what they want to do when they are 25. Then, through the Getting Beyond the System® Seminar, we prepare each teen for an individual meeting with an experienced professional in that field to discuss career and education goals. The young person is prepared to ask questions and gather important information—lifelong skills—and also begins building his or her own network in the community beyond the system.

More people around the country, both at the government and the practice level, are looking at our own and other innovative ways to help teens transition to independence, because they recognize that we have too long been failing these youth.

Betsy Krebs and Paul Pitcoff co-founded and direct the Youth Advocacy Center Inc. Their latest book, Beyond the Foster Care System: The Future for Teens (Buy on Amazon), chronicles the development of their program, which brings teens, the system, and the outside community into active collaboration to increase opportunities for teens after foster care. For more information, including tools, ideas, and trainings on the Getting Beyond the System® Approach, visit the Youth Advocacy Center site.

If you would like to get involved with teens placed in foster care contact Foster Club. We are assisting children placed in foster care with much needed clothing. With $25 you can provide a gift card to a foster child at Clothing Our Youth.

JEREMIAH'S PROMISE

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Chicago Student Offered $1 Million In Scholarships

2009-11-04T08:34:00.000-05:00

Children come to the attention of child protective service agencies for a myriad of reasons, from different situations, and a multitude of backgrounds. Often older children available for adoption are left in foster care, unadopted, and in need of life skills to be productive citizens.

*Every year, approximately 18,000 youth will emancipate — or "age-out"— from the foster care system when they reach age 18 or finish high school. Youth in foster care often do not get the help they need with high school completion, employment, accessing health care, continued educational opportunities, housing and transitional living arrangements. Studies of youth who have left foster care have shown they are more likely than those in the general population to not finish high school, be unemployed, and be dependent on public assistance. Many find themselves in prison, homeless, or parents at an early age.

The following article comes from Chicago, it highlights that not all children who are in "the system" or "age-out" follow the status quo.

___________________________________________________________________

Aug 13, 2009 5:49 pm US/Central

CHICAGO (CBS) ―

A lot of kids are getting ready to head off to college and, it's a great accomplishment.

CBS 2's Dorothy Tucker talked to one Chicago student had a much longer road to go before he got on the right path.

"I got over a million dollars in scholarships. It's very exciting," said Derrius Quarles.

He received $1,150,000 to be exact. Quarles is a graduate of Kenwood High School who was offered $755,000 from nearly a dozen colleges, which he turned down. He accepted $355,000 in scholarships and will now attend Morehouse College. He earned all of this while being a ward of the state.

"My father was killed in this city when I was four years old and I was taken away from my mother shortly after that. My mother had a drug problem," he said.

To say he has succeeded against huge odds is almost an understatement. Quarles credits his success to his determination to go to college, his ability to accept his past, and not use it as an excuse.

"I had to come to accept what happened. I had no part in it, in my circumstances. But it is my responsibility to. It's all about how I'm going to overcome that," he said.

He's not only an inspiration because of the painful past he's overcome, but as a million dollar scholarship baby Quarles is also an example of how hard work can pay off for any student.

Quarles began searching for scholarships when he was a sophomore. He says he applied to more than 40 and quickly learned the essay was key. He didn't just write about his past. Most of the time he wrote about the time he joined the Kenwood Swim Team nearly drowned.

"To give the reader a sense I gained a lifelong lesson from that one experience, I think that tells someone about you and your character," he said.

While the essay is key, it helps that Quarles has a 4.2 GPA, got a 28 on the ACT, and had a counselor like Lynda Parker who was honored to write a recommendations for a student she knows will meet his future goals.

"He really made it happen when all the stats says it shouldn't. He could have given up. He could have just said I'm not supposed to make it, but instead he said 'no I can and I will' and he did," said Parker.

Quarles plans to pursue a career in medicine. He leaves for Morehouse College in Atlanta on Saturday.

(© MMIX, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

*To support National Adoption Month we are supplying gift certificates to a local organization, Foster Care Support Foundation. You can assist in this effort by making a donation here.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Foster Parents Can Make the Difference

2009-11-03T06:46:00.000-05:00

Bridging the Gap
You will hear stories on the new about foster parents who abuse children, take their per diem and use it for a variety of things other than the children in their care, and a million other things that would lead you to color the whole group with a paint brush which does not fit every case. In America there are more than 510,000 children and youth in out of home foster care ^[1]. It would be preposterous to think that the majority of them are living in subpar homes with strangers. In fact, as of September 30^,2006 of the 510,000 children in foster care 24% (122,400) are placed with relatives. Yes, the majority of children are placed in non-relative foster homes of people who want to make the difference for children. And this is my thanks to the ones who bridged the gap for me.

There is no way to sugar coat the beginning of life for my son. Born about 10 weeks early and possibly exposed to drugs in utero, at birth weighed in at 2.8 pounds and 15 inches, received “bag and mask ventilation”, was incubated on multiple occasions, and spent the next 2 months in the hospital. Due her inability to care for him, he was released frohe hospital to a couple Alfonzo and Dorothy Smith. As an older couple they had already been foster parents to more children than they could count, not mention being the parents of six children. Only a special couple would say, “yes” to a child diagnosed with “apnea of prematurity, respiratory distress syndrome, anemia, and physiologic hyperbilirubinemia”. Most parents get overwhelmed thinking about taking a child home with all of that going on, much less the child of someone else. Yet, that is what Alfonso and Dorothy did that day. And for three years following that day.

For a large portion of that three year period they transported him to and from visits whether or not his mother came. Due to the diagnoses he received upon discharge, he was in occupational therapy which required appointments, which they were sure to make regularly. It sounds simple; however, they were foster parents of other children in the home as well. Beyond being foster parents to him they often helped their own family of grandchildren, parents, sisters, brothers, and do not forget children. The day I walked into their home and saw that little boy I was immediately taken by his friendliness, his playful demeanor, and of course, he was cute. Cuteness, they had no hand in, but the other things can be traced back to their loving nature, attentiveness, willingness to care for him, and general disposition as a couple.

You see, when the Smiths chose to become foster parents they took it as a service to the children and the families. It was a commitment. Not like we see today where people choose to commit just for a time, the good times. When you commit to a child you commit for an uncertain amount of time and through an undetermined situations. As a result of their commitment, I received a child who had not been bounced form home to home, was surrounded by family and love, automatic Grandparents, and people with whom there is bond like none other. The transition to my home was not easy for either of us because he had bonded with them. He still calls them regularly and to him they are Grandma and Grandpa. The day I picked him up to bring him home, was the greatest day of my life. And for them it was bittersweet. After seven years as a parent and many conversations with them, it is clear that they bridged the gap for him to find a family and for me to have an amazing child.

Foster parents can make the difference in the life of a child, for the rest of their life. If you want to know more about becoming a foster parent the National Foster Parent Association is a wonderful resource. However, to find out the specific requirements and resources in your State go to Child Welfare Information Gateway. This page will allow you to select and receive contact information for your State.

*To support National Adoption Month we are supplying gift certificates to a local organization, Foster Care Support Foundation. You can assist in this effort by making a donation here.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Born in my Heart

2009-11-02T05:32:00.000-05:00

Not Your Average Love Story

Most little girls, as they are growing up, dream of the white picket fence, the husband, and having two children. That is not my story, it did cross my mind, but somehow I knew my family would never be the normal one. My Love Story, began when I saw a little boy at a foster home in October of 2000. When I tell people about meeting him, it sounds like a made for television drama. See when you adopt, the child is born in your heart.

The winter began to set in on Cleveland, Ohio; I worked in the Department of Children and Family Services as a social worker. The first children I visited were two girls placed in a foster home. Prior to this case, I had none. In fact, I had a choice between 2-3 other cases and chose this particular one. Single, college graduate, no children, those were my basic stats at the time. As I sat on the couch of the foster parents’ home there was a tiny boy hiding behind the curtains playing peek-a-boo with me and laughing. Soon after his antics with the curtains he crawled up on the couch, sat next to me, and just looked at me. He moved closer, and then closer, eventually he was on my lap. In a moment of freedom I said, “I’m gonna take you home with me.” About a year following that day, his foster mother told me he was available for adoption. Due to making monthly visits to the home for the other children placed there, I had grown attached to hi, and always wanted to know how he was doing. When told me, my heart stopped and I got worried that I would never know how he was or what happened to him. So, I made the choice to adopt him. Single, college graduate, no children, those were my basic stats at the time. Little did I know that day would be a day to change two lives.

Jamil, officially, became my son in March of 2003 at the age of 3 years old and our love story is still being written. Adoption, to me is no different than having a natural child in many ways. I question my fitness as a parent and whether I made the “right” decision. And there were times, and still are, when I thought he would be better off with someone else. He would have two parents, a bigger house, a better yard, a dog (like he begs me to get), and other siblings in the home (like he begs me to get). And were it not for the support of other family and friends, we would not have made it this far. He is what I live for now. He is the Love of my Life. When I think about him not being in my life, it is hard to fathom.

I received a call from my sister in California, whom he stays with for part of the summer. At the time was nine years old, he was asking about his birth Mother, and I became worried. To let you know, he is has always known he was adopted; he has an album with the names of his birth parents, knows he has siblings and has bet all but one of them. It has never been a conversation that was off limits for him. With that said, she had questioned him on what he would change about his life and he said, “nothing”. He expressed that he loves me, he is happy to be adopted, and he would not change that at all. Neither would I. At every juncture, it has always been my intention to have him be well adjusted. Unlike birth children, Jamil has questions about life that speak to who he is in a different way. Why he is not with his birth family? What happened that his parents were not able to care for him? He has a list of questions of which I can not and would not attempt answer for him. However, as his Mom I can be there to support him in becoming what he wants to be, developing him for the future, and accepting himself. Isn’t that what being a parent is about anyway?

Still single, still a college graduate, one child, those are my basic stats. He was not born from me physically, but he was born in my heart. And this is not your average love story.

Are you considering becoming an adoptive parent? There are plenty of helpful resources available, listed below:

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

National Adoption Center

National Council for Adoption

AdoptUsKids

Adoption Resources

Child Welfare Information Gateway

Courageous Choice

Adopt America Network

Children Awaiting Parents

Comeunity

Comeunity Resource Listing

Children Awaiting Parents

*To support National Adoption Month we are supplying gift certificates to a local organization, Foster Care Support Foundation. You can assist in this effort by making a donation here.

HOLIDAY TRAVEL START BOOKING

2009-10-27T22:57:00.000-04:00

And you thought The Pulse was not about saving money. Not true. In being dedicated to what matters in life, The Pulse knows that making travel to see family or just get away means a lot to many people.How many times do you hear about the holiday travel rush? Uhm, yearly?! Of course, as long as there are end of the year holidays there will be The Holiday Rush. So, with that, here are airlines offering specials... get a pencil... get ready.

American Airlines American Airlines nationwide fare sale -- from $152* round trip

Low fares just in time for the holidays. Save on your late fall/early winter flight with Expedia and American Airlines’ round-trip sale. You can get a flight from NYC to Chicago for $152* round trip. Book by November 15; travel now-December 31.Book by 11:59 PM on 11/15/09 (PST)

$25*+ flight sale on AA.com -- 2 days left (one way, R/T req.)

Sky-high savings -- little time left. American’s huge, 72-hour nationwide sale ends this Thursday. Fares start at just $25* each way, based on round-trip purchase. Travel December 2-16 and January 5-February 10. Don’t wait on this one. By American, Book by 11:59 PM on 10/29/09 (CDT)

Last-minute flights from your city -- from $101* round trip

Time is almost up, and it's time to save. Take advantage of Expedia's last-minute sale and get a round-trip flight from San Francisco to Vegas for $101* or Washington, D.C. to Orlando for only $139*. Many departure cities and destinations are available.By Expedia.com, Due to limited inventory, this deal may expire at any time. Book now to take advantage of the savings.

AirTran's huge one-way fare sale -- U.S. flights from $39*

All stops are on sale. Expedia and AirTran have teamed to offer a one-way fare sale to cities across the U.S. One-way fares include Boston to Baltimore for $39* and NYC to Charlotte for $64*. Book by November 10; travel now-February 10, 2010. By Expedia.com, Book by 11:59 PM on 11/10/09 (PST)

Discount Sites:

BookingBuddy

Orbitz

CheapOAir

AirTran

Expedia

CheapTickets

Kayak

SideStep

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: 30 DAY BLOGATHON

2009-10-27T17:22:00.000-04:00

JOIN ME!

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

CHILDREN WAITING FOR YOU!

When I was in elementary school, I was the youngest child in my immediate family as well as the youngest grandchild on both sides of our family. While it had its benefits, I wanted a brother or sister. Well, actually a brother, I have two older sisters and that is enough. One day, our mother sat us down, picked up an envelope, pulled out a yellow legal sheet of a paper and read it. What I remember is that long yellow legal paper, the cursive on it, jumping around like it was Christmas, and two names: Andrea and Yolanda. It was a letter sent from my aunt Anita and Uncle Bobby telling us they were adopting Andrea and Yolanda, sisters. They had previously adopted their oldest daughter, Andrea (yes, two Andreas), and had fostered other children in the hopes of adopting. Those placements were not a fit. Now that I think about it, the excitement that letter brought was overwhelming. We could not wait to see them, meet them, and play with them. They were younger than me by one and two years, respectively, which was perfect. No not little brothers, but better sisters who enjoyed just being around, having fun, giggling, and all that stuff.

Data from Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (AFCARS) for October 1, 2005 through September 30, 2006 indicates that there were 129,000 (25%) children waiting to be adopted through public adoption. In America there are over 510,000 American children in foster care, taken away when their families are in crisis and can’t take care of them.

The following is directly from The National Network for Young People in Foster Care….

If nothing changes… by the year 2020:

22,500 children will die of abuse or neglect, most before their fifth birthday
More than 10.5 million children will spend some time in foster care
More than 300,000 children will age out of our foster care system, some in poor health and many unprepared for success in higher education, technical college or the workforce
75,000 former foster youth, who aged out of the system, will experience homelessness
Average time foster care children have been waiting to be adopted: 39.4 months

As an adoptive parent this statistic is overwhelming and calls me to act. November is National Adoption Month, for the month I will be blogging each day to bring attention to the cause of children in foster and adoptive placements, giving parenting tips, and sharing stories.

How can you get involved? GREAT QUESTION!

1) Consider becoming a foster and/or adoptive parent? There are children waiting for your heart and home to create a sense of belonging and stability.

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

National Adoption Center

National Council for Adoption

AdoptUsKids

Adoption Resources

Child Welfare Information Gateway

Courageous Choice

Adopt America Network

Children Awaiting Parents

Comeunity

Comeunity Resource Listing

Children Awaiting Parents

Foster Club

2) Share this blog with friends, family, and associates. You never know who is considering adoption. It may be your sharing that helps bring a family together!

3) Donate through Clothing Our Children. Children in foster and adoptive placements are in need of the same things that other children may take for granted. We will be purchasing gift cards to be given to various foster and adoptive agencies to benefit the children! Will you donate for them?

This is absolutely an amazing time for me and has taught me to be thankful for the family I was born into and the one I have, and still am, creating.

A Father's Day Message: For My Son

2009-10-21T12:00:00.000-04:00

Earlier this year I wrote and posted this to Facebook:

With the impending Father's Day weekend, I thought about my son. And in thinking about him, it seemed relevant to consider my actions that support him in being a father of merit, honor, and substance. Please know that this is aimed at Mothers, Fathers, and those involved in the Lives of our young boys/men.

Really quick, if you do not know me, I adopted my son when he was three. Yes, I said, "I". It was a choice I made to become a single parent to this little boy. From the first time I saw him, I could not get him out of my mind. He was in a foster home which I visited, as social worker, on a monthly basis. Whenever I went to the home he would be so happy, but the opposite could be said when I would leave. At one point, his Grandma would have to pick him up so I could leave or he would block the door (he was 1 at the time). Eventually, I chose to take the steps to be responsible for his Life, forever. With that said, I knew that it was not going to be an easy task, so I looked for men who could support both me and him.

As a single mother, it is my job not to "baby" him, but instill in him values that will support him in being productive. At the age of 7, he asked me, "What does it take to be a man?" I am thankful that there is nothing in me that believes that I know what it is like to be a man. I responded by telling him that I do not know what it is like to be a man, gave him "my" thoughts, but told him to address that with my, then, boyfriend. This leads me to share with the single Mom's rearing boys: They are not our trophies, nor tools to be used against their father's to "get" something. Instead, they have been entrusted to us to mold into productive citizens. When their Life becomes an aside to what you want or can get their future is in jeopardy. What you sow into his heart, mind, being, and daily living will manifest. What are you sowing?

I chose to have him take on being responsible for what he could as early as possible for two reasons: 1) I'm not trying to be SuperMom and 2) build character and responsibility. My friends who have children his age, especially boys, are surprised at the things he does. I'm guessing because they never thought of it or as one of them said, "I don't trust him to do that!" Well, that is another Oprah Show or Sidney Note. Jamil has been sorting his clothes since 5, putting them in the wash since 6, and totally washing on his own since 7. He loads and unloads the dish washer, puts up groceries, cleans a mean bathroom, vacuums, sweeps, and mops. As the ability to be home by himself, if necessary. The Boy can cook a mean pot of Ramen noodles and add some fixins if need be, reads the back of a box to warm or cook things up, and calls when "somethin' just ain't right". It is not my intention to have a paralyzed grown man running around in society, not if I can help it. It takes starting young to develop a Man, it is a challenge to begin at 15.

From the day Jamil came to live with me I was on pins and needles. I want so much for him. I spend time thinking about "what's next?" for him to get where he wants to go. And I listed to my male friends to get their take on situations, how I can better be a Mother to this little guy, and gather their wisdom. If it were not for other men like Charles Collins (his Godfather), James Gray (my ex), Jerrald Gaskins (my brother), Lance Montford (my cousin), William Dallas (great friend), and Arneil Seedarnee (brother from another mother) I can only imagine where he and I would be. There are tons of men that I watch and take notes from to implement with Jamil. More likely than not, if you are tagged in this Note, I take a look at your actions vicariously and you contribute to how I am with him. Jamil is lucky, he has a host of people praying for, supporting, and interested in him becoming a man of substance. As his Mother I choose to open up the World to him giving him simple wisdom, sharing my challenges and triumphs, having conversations that make a difference for his Life, and listening to his dreams.

In my relationship with men, I've learned that it is my responsibility to model good choices in men who would be around him. And that he sees how a woman carries herself. For him to see arguing, fussing and foolishness contributes to what he thinks a relationship is about. You bring "Dude" around then, your son will emulate "Dude", bring "My Dawg" around you will see "My Dawg" in him, if you choose "A Gentleman" to be a part of your Life you will see "A Gentleman" emerge. It is that simple. You do reap what you sow.

My simple wisdom for him to be a man of substance:

- be aware of your actions and how they effect you and those around you.

- don't be ashamed to show emotions

- eat healthy!

- manners matter

- use your brain, reasoning is a great thing

- hygiene, you don't wanna be the stinky kid!

- looks do matter, a first impression says a lot

- live your dreams, they are yours

- you can own it if you want it

- never fear asking questions

- have a system for doing things, makes it easier

- never be around a girl who argues all the time and won't shut up - she'll cause you too much stress! (he got that!)

These are ones he remembered, I just asked him:

- have a clean house

- do your best in school so you don't have to drop out

- don't lie - it gets you into big trouble! (YAY! Now let's put it into practice!)

My simple wisdom for him has come from Life, but mostly a desire to celebrate him being a great man. If the only thing I ever contribute to this World is a Man of substance, merit, and honor, I will consider that to be a legacy worthy of my Life. He is not "mine", who he is contributes to the World.

Love Actually: Watch your Mouth

2009-10-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

Let me begin by saying, I have never seen the movie "Love Actually". Okay?! With that out of the way, for the past two days it seems that the word "love" has come up in different conversations. What seemed to be a sacred word, now, seems to be one which is used for everything and anything. It has no real meaning anymore. All too often words are treated like old rags, used with no thought and thrown around with no care.

Words are all we have. They create the World around us, the World in which we live. For you to read and understand what you are reading words had to be used. Words shape everything. Words are all we have. When we use them without thought or consideration of their affect on others that alone creates a World of confusion. With the events of the past months, the death of Michael Jackson and the conversations (not connected to that), it just seems that we have lost the significance of the word "love". Heavens, people are sliding down walks because they "loved" Michael, a person they have never met. People say they "love" a certain ice cream, movie, car, house, color, China pattern, and so on. Are you kidding me? Love actually.

Love actually, is a choice. Love actually, is action. Love actually, is a relationship. Love actually, is a connection. See, from my vantage point, love is not a word to be used without thought. Not to be thrown about without clarity. Love is powerful. The word is powerful. In my World, the use of the word love is like holding a loaded gun, when you shoot it you cannot take it back. If it hits the target things are changed forever. In relationships, people too often do not look at what love really is, or confuse it for lust. Yes, lust. The fluttering of your heart, the sweaty palms, and the presence of pheromones are all physical responses that you do not have control over. That is where the mind can make a difference. Love actually.

The mind makes a huge difference because love is a choice. You do not "fall in love", if that is true please have the police start patrolling for these potholes and stuff people keep falling into. Maybe we need a whole division dedicated to that alone. Anyway, love actually is a gift you give someone else. When you care for someone and want to give them a great gift there is lot of thought that goes into that gift. You think about who they are, what they mean to you, their likes and dislikes, the thing that will make them smile, and then you consider the cost to you, what you can realistically afford to purchase, and then, make the purchase. Yes, it takes something to choose to love someone, but it should not be taken lightly. There are ways of being when you love. Love actually.

With all this said, I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 13, usually called the love chapter in the Bible. What I did may make mouths drop, but too bad. Instead of quoting the verse, I took the time to revamp it. Yes, revamp it. How? Simple, too often we speak of what something is not I just flipped it. Only verses 4-8(a) are a part of my translation. Love actually is:

Love is patient, love is kind. Love is confident and content, love is modest, love is humble. Love is polite and respectful, love is giving, love is calm, it allows for new starts. Love rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love prospers, grows, and produces.

With that in mind, the next time you choose to give the gift of your love think about it. The next time someone asks "do you love me?" think about it. The next time you get ready to use the word love, stop to think if that is what you really mean because it is a gift you give, not lightly, or without thought. I have learned to be careful with my words, they make a difference. I have learned to think before I speak, it brings clarity. And I've learned that love is special, not to be tossed about; at least not by me. Love actually.

LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING

2009-10-20T10:08:00.000-04:00

Commemorate, Celebrate, Appreciate

Every time I think I want to write something about my Mother I put it off, change my mind, or figure there is no need. Not for a lack of love, but there is so much I could say, my mind starts to run in a million directions, and it just seems to take more energy than I want to exert to focus myself appropriately. What I realized is that all too often those times are all about me and not necessarily about sharing me with others or what can be offered from my sharing. So, with that said, I am focusing.

Today is October 20, 2009, which I have dubbed Family Day for my siblings and me. Who cares about October 20? What is so special about October 20? On October 20, 1945 our mother was born in Cleveland, Ohio, as a result we are family. She died on September 23, 2002 in Kalamazoo, Michigan with all three of her children by her side, in the same room, and ironically, it was a beautiful day. Needless to say that is a day we will not forget. I remember it as if it just happened. Following that day, life has not been the same. For months after it seemed as thought I were in a fog, haze, or even a storm from which I would never emerge.

Sitting in my car, preparing to pick up my son, I heard Pastor Joey Johnson on the radio. Hearing him changed my life and perception of grieving. Joey Johnson is the senior pastor at The House of the Lord in Akron, Ohio. That particular day he spoke about grieving, being free of the hurt, and dealing with the change loss can bring. At the end of the program you were given the opportunity to order the series and invited to join their grief recovery group. I did both, immediately. By then, I figured “life can’t get much worse than this” and made arrangements to be at every session. One particular session talked about having the ability to celebrate the life of someone who has died. And that is what I have chosen to do along with my siblings.

I choose to celebrate the fact that Carol Y. Wilkes lived and gave me life, that she shared herself with many people I will never meet yet she touched, that she showed me love, and left me a legacy of the same. And maybe most of all I have siblings with whom to celebrate love and life. So, her birthday is not a day of mourning, but a day to commemorate a life beginning, a life that brought about new lives. Her birthday is not a day of sorrow, but a day to celebrate her bright smile, laugh, heart, life, times spent, and the legacy she has left on earth. And her birthday has become a day for my siblings and I to appreciate each other because we have her in common and because we truly love that we are family. If it were not for her we would not be family. October 20^th each year is Family Day among my siblings and me. It is the day we take a moment to call, text, or email to acknowledge each other as family.

For those who have someone who has died, you are still “stuck”, upset, and questioning. It is okay, wherever you are in your journey. Consider, commemorating the life of your loved one and making a celebration of love. Yet, I would be remiss if I did not share information for grief recovery. The Grief Recovery Institute® is based in California and trains people to conduct grief recovery groups. As a result of my experience, I went on to be certified as a specialist and assisted in the first group held in Cleveland, Ohio.

Please take the time to look into the Personal Workshop and other offerings from The Grief Recovery Institute, if you find yourself, loved ones, friends, or associates dealing with grief (loss of job, finances, a loved one, health, etc.).

Inside You: The Glow

2009-10-18T16:14:00.000-04:00

Wisdom of The Last Dragon

In 1985, "The Last Dragon" came out and for me that was an automatic hit. My brother, who is 8 years my senior, was the keeper of the television and we often ended up watching Kung-Fu movies on Sundays. With that said, it seemed natural that Bruce Leroy would get our money, or should I say my Mother's change from around the house. With nothing but coins in my hands and my trusty cohort and sister, Jamila, with me I went to see that movie at the Plaza Theaters in Kent, Ohio on more than one occasion. As a matter of fact, the impetus for this note comes from watching the movie this morning.

Each one of us have an inner strength that we often do not tap into. See Leroy thought his power came from his Master and that he had to stay with him, continue to study, and then, he would have the "power". His Master knew that true power would not come until Leroy went out on his own to test his abilities, intincts, and knowledge for himself. Between the two of them the only one who believed that Leroy had the power was his Master. Knowing Leroy was full of fear, the Master, gives him a medallion and sends him off to look for another Master.

More often than not, others see the greatness inside of us before we do. Our fear holds us back from kicking the door open on the life we want to live. At the end of the story Leroy gets the infamous "glow" which shows up when he becomes confident in his ability to defeat Shonuff, the neighborhood bully. See you too have the ability to have what you want, it is a matter of playing a bigger game with your Life. When we stop the excuses, the reasonableness, procrastination, selfishness, secrecy, and egotistical behavior the World shows up magnificently. The glow is ease, freedom, comfort, boldness, confidence, and having all you want and need to have the life you have dreamed. Add whatever would work for you to have the Life you love those just happen to ones that come to mind for me.

A few years ago, a coach of mine, Wendy Y. Bailey and I were talking in a session and I told her that my greatest fear is all that I have said about myself is not true. That I am more fearful of what is inside than anything else. And that is the truth of most people. We are more afraid of ourselves than we are of others. We are truly great Beings who can accomplish feats of the miraculous and unexplainable at anytime. You and I are powerful in our being, speaking, and thinking. When I was sent the following quote I immediately saved it. And so I share it with the intention that you find inside you the Power to achieve all you desire... The Glow.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

~Marianne Williamson, from A Return to Love

I’m Not Judging, I’m Just Saying: Girl Please!

2009-10-18T09:32:00.001-04:00

Last night I took the time to view 48 Hours on CBS. Let me start with this: I do not know the Anthony Family, was not around when Caylee was killed, and do not know who killed her. All that I have to say is straight forward, unadulterated, and purely my observations of one thing: 30 days without contact with a 3 year old. I have one thing to say to Casey Anthony, to not tell anyone your child is missing for 30 days…. GIRL PLEASE!

A childhood friend of mine commented on my Facebook post of information referring to this case. My comment is what the impetus for this posting:

I don't know if she did it or not, no one does except her and God. What I can say is that it all looks fiiiishy. You and I know that if our children are gone past the time we tell them to be home we are off the looking for them. The emotions you go through are usually as follows: 1) anger, "you should be home when you were told", 2) concern, "where... Read More is 'x'?" "did something happen? and then, 3) anxiety/panic, after 10-15 minutes and them not appearing you begin going into the worst place you can think. How could this Mom not call the police? Her mother had to cal AFTER 30 days. I SMELL AN OCEAN LINER FULL OF ROTTEN FISH!!

As the parent of a ten year old boy, I find it hard to allow him to run the neighborhood without knowing where he his going, with whom he will be playing, and when he will return. I remember one day, last year, in which he left the obligatory “within ear shot” range, had gone with friends to another street in the subdivision, and I just about lost it. I bought him a watch so he could come home at the appropriate time to check in. By the time I had to come out of the house, he was past that time, coupled with the fact that he was not in “ear shot” of me yelling for him, you have the perfect storm for my mind to run wild. Stepping off of the front porch, I took a breathe, attempted to gather my thoughts about where he might be, with whom may have been, and then, began my search. An avalanche of thoughts hit me at one point: what did he have one from head to toe? Where did he say he was going? What is the most likely place he could have been? After looking for him for all of 2-3 minutes I returned to the house and about 30 seconds after I got in, he bounced into the house. Relieved, I found myself overcome by anger, frustration, and anxiety because he had no idea how worried I had become in the matter of 10-15 minutes.

For the parent of a 3 year old to wait 30 days seems to be so out of line it boggles my mind. My son was playing with friends in our neighborhood and did not report in on time and I almost had a coronary. I did not go back in the house to call friends and plan a night out. Why? Motherly instinct kicked in and my worry about his well-being would not let me do anything but be concerned for him. How you have a 3 year old child missing for more than 5 minutes and not go into panic is beyond me. How you have a 3 year old missing for 12 minutes and not call authorities, is beyond me. How you have a 3 year old “held” by a nanny, and not call authorities is beyond me? And how you are not the person who calls the authorities about your missing child is a smelly situation all together. George and Cindy Anthony, Casey’s parents, have some soul searching to do. There is no place in my mind that I can go which would allow me to make excuses for a child of mine to go 30 days without knowing the location their child. It is not normal.

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has been in the business of looking for children for 25 years. On their website, they have resources for parents and guardians which in includes what to do if your child is missing. Not surprising to this writer, is that the following is prominent on the page telling people what to do if their child is missing. You might be surprised and surely Casey would be to, but here it is: “ACT IMMEDIATELY if you believe that your child is missing.” Each day an average of 2,185 children are reported missing which equates to 797,500 children under the age of 18 per year. The Statistics break down like this according to the US Deartment of Justice in 2002:

797,500 children (younger than 18) were reported missing in a one-year period of time studied resulting in an average of 2,185 children being reported missing each day.
203,900 children were the victims of family abductions.
58,200 children were the victims of non-family abductions.
115 children were the victims of “stereotypical” kidnapping. (These crimes involve someone the child does not know or someone of slight acquaintance, who holds the child overnight, transports the child 50 miles or more, kills the child, demands ransom, or intends to keep the child permanently.)

[Andrea J. Sedlak, David Finkelhor, Heather Hammer, and Dana J. Schultz. U.S. Department of Justice. "National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview" in National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children. Washington, DC: Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice, October 2002, page 5.]

In this information age, there is no reason for inaction on the part of any person charged with the care of a child. Just in case, there is someone who does not have information on what to do I would be derelict in my duty as a parent and child advocate, if I did not share the following information:

What to Do:

If your child is missing from home, search the house checking closets, piles of laundry, in and under beds, inside large appliances, and inside vehicles, including trunksâ€”wherever a child may crawl or hide.

If you still cannot find your child, immediately call your local law enforcement agency.

If your child disappears in a store, notify the store manager or security office. Then immediately call your local law-enforcement agency. Many stores have a Code Adam plan of action— if a child is missing in the store, employees immediately mobilize to look for the missing child.

When you call law enforcement, provide your child's name, date of birth, height, weight, and any other unique identifiers such as eyeglasses and braces. Tell them when you noticed that your child was missing and what clothing he or she was wearing.

Request that your child's name and identifying information be immediately entered into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) Missing Person File.

After you have reported your child missing to law enforcement, call the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children on our toll-free telephone number: 1-800-THE-LOST (1-800-843-5678). Or you can use our Live Hotline to talk to NCMEC through our web site.

Children are the most defenseless beings on the face of this earth, which is my opinion. As an adoptive parent, former social worker, and advocate for children this case begs the question, “Who is caring for the least of them?” In the case of Caylee Anthony, from my view, it was not her mother. With all the excuses and stories she has told, all I can say to her is “Girl please!”

The Wealth of Southfork

2009-10-07T13:13:00.000-04:00

7 Things No One Told Me About Wealth

Throughout my life I have seen wealth in certain ways. I loved watching Falcon Crest and Dallas, now that was wealth. OF the two my favorite was Dallas. Who did not want to live at South Fork? South Fork was this 200 acre lusciously green piece of land with horse stables situated on the property. The home itself boasted 4,769 sq. ft., a classic staircase, gorgeous rooms, a pool, and a dramatic foyer. That had to be “the Life.” Not to mention, the money. Oil, oil, everywhere means money. At my tender age, all of that looked like wealth. And I believed it. Southfork represented wealth, but wealth is not all it is cracked up to be. Wealth is not horses, 200 acres, 4,769 sq. ft. of house, a classic staircase, and all the aforementioned things. In fact, it is elusive. It can be smoke and mirrors.

You may know that Southfork is real place situated in Plano, Texas. Few people know that the Southfork we think of was originally called Duncan Acres and it was the second home of the Ewing family. The original home of the Ewings was the Box Ranch. Did you know that the interior views we all saw were from the Swiss House, which included my favorite staircase? The Swiss House interior became a part of the new set in Studio City, California. None of that stuff was real. Not even the wealth. The idea of wealth is elusive. It can be smoke and mirrors, if you let it. Remember all the relationships gone awry, the fights, adultery, backbiting, and money grubbing? Is that wealth? If so, I do not want anything to do with it.

No one sat me down to share the definition of wealth. Over the years, my definition has transformed from strictly money to a broader definition. Thank goodness for the opportunity to transform my definition, but there are 7 things no one told me about wealth which should not be missed by anyone.

1. Wealth is Not What You Have Been Told. According to the American Heritage Dictionary the wealth can be defined as, “an abundance of valuable material possessions or resources.” What do you value, possess, and have as a resource. That is your wealth.

2. Be Careful What You Do. Your career is a source of wealth whether you like it or not. No matter where you are when it comes to your career or job, it is a resource for something else. Do you like your work? Is it a place where you can grow? Remember your career or job is a resource for something.

3. Almighty Dollar is Not the Whole Picture of Wealth. Of course, money is a part of wealth. It is a resource, if used correctly. Are you free of anxiety or worry around money? Can you do what you want and do the things that are important to you? Money is a resource for something too.

4. Fun in the Sun Make a Difference. Regardless of what you think a part of wealth is the ability to have fun. Activities have a way of renewing your spirit, reminding us of how free life can be, and resetting our compass. Do you make enough time for yourself and other people in your life? Fun is a resource for something too.

5. Eat Your Veggies. Too often we forget about our health and well-being. Unfortunately they are inexplicably tied together. You cannot have well-being without health or vise versa. If I might be so bold as to say that without your health or well-being nothing else is possible nor matters. How do you work, spend time with friends, etc. without it? Your health and well-being are a resource for something too.

6. Personal Growth is Not Just Praying. No one person has the answer of how you should grow or develop through life, however you can continue to push yourself beyond what you already know about who you are in many ways. That might be through spiritual development, activities that expand your limits, or engaging in conversation that challenge your current beliefs. No matter what you think now, personal growth is a resource for something too.

7. That Someone Else Can Truly Be Significant. Uh, oh! Last but not least, is the “significant other” conversation. No, I do not advocate running out to find yourself someone just for the heck of it. Being in an intimate relationship takes something which many people do not want to offer. It takes being vulnerable, free of past resentments, willing to love, and to share the inquiry of life with someone who may not always agree with you. It expands you in ways you may never expand. Relationships are a resource for something too.

Defining wealth in the modern age, has been a matter of splitting hairs or even expanding the definition. If you are running after 6 figures in your bank account you may miss out on the wealth all around you. If you are only taking in the wealth all around you like relationships, fun, and food, but missing the payments that will allow you to be secure in your life, you too are missing out on wealth. It is a balance that can be achieved by taking the time to assess where you are in all areas of life then taking action to develop them. You can start your journey here by taking the Personal Assessment and completing the Financial Fitness Assessment. You can build wealth in your life beginning today.

My Dad Taught Me These Things....

2009-09-30T20:27:00.000-04:00

I wrote this for Father's Day this year, but wanted to revisit it due to a recent article I read about Mothers keeping the children from their Fathers. That was not my experience. Though my parents were divorced my mother never attempted to keep us from our father. The insight she shared with me as a teenager was that she wanted us to develop our own idea of who he is without her, and it did happen. Over the years I had a myriad of ideas about who he was, but none colored by her feelings.

For those Mothers who are keeping their children from Fathers who are not a danger to the children or yourself, chronic felons, drug users, or just nutty; know that your children do not belong to you. Children are not pawns in your game, a means to get back at someone, or your access to money. Your relationship with and to their Father should be exclusively betweent the two of you. With that said, I got the chance to get my Dad's view of more than 30 years without his wife and children. And these are some of the things my Dad taught me.

Two years removed from the death of my father, he remains with me in ways of which I am conscious and unconscious. He is definitely with me when I meet new people, the usual question that comes up is, "How tall are you?" At six feet tall, I rarely can escape that question at some point, especially because I often choose to wear heals. My father was 6'6" and carried it with pride, a gentle giant. In his life and the things he said or did not say, I have been taught about Life, love, spirituality, family, friends, and even cooking! As I reflect on this Father's Day these are a few of the things I have been taught:

1) You're going to make mistakes, it's whether you let them define you that makes a difference. Dad lived his life the way he knew how. And he admittedly made mistakes. Some, he allowed to stop him from having what he truly wanted, his family together, the wife, the kids, and his art. For that, he shared, he spent time ashamed of his choices. Being ashamed of his choices had come to define a large part of his life. I learned that I make the choices I make and they will either work out or not, but learning from them and moving on provides a life lesson.

2) Love is a gift, always a gift. You have the choice to accept or not "I" had a love/hate relationship wth my father. Notice I said "I". My parents divorced when I was 6, however, he left 4 years prior. And because of that I thought he did not love me, left me, and was out having fun without his family. No matter what he did it never looked like love, not clearly. To me, it was out of obligation, if anything. As an adult, I began to let the guards down and let in tha the might love me.

We had a few poinient conversations, but I remember one in particular. It was during a time we were back and forth in our relationship. A sentence of background: I am the youngest of four children, 3 girls and a boy. So, he shared with me that when my siblings were born he did not get to hold them, first. But when I was born, the doctor got ready to hand me to my mother and he said, "No, no! She got to hold the rest of them first give her to me". He said he was so overjoyed to see me and hold me he could not speak. In that moment, I was aware of another side of him that I did not know. He had always loved me, his love is a gift, that I had just not accepted. Our relationship flourished and at the end of his life we were closer than ever, because I accepted who he had always wanted to be for me and the love he was giving.

3) Stay in the inquiry of Life. More spiritual than religious, my Dad was always questioning life, God, what is, what is not, looking into alternative medicines, and open to conversations that would further his knowledge. I admire him for being a man who stood for his life being created by him, not in the confines of what others thought. We talked about God, religion, healing, and the power of the mind. He shared with me that he always wanted his children to be seekers, not sitters. Not going to church for the sake of it, but looking into what they are being taught, questioning, and going deeper than the average person. It is a pleasure to know that his dream is alive in me. I stay in the inquiry of life and the spirit daily. It may not look like others think it "should", yet it is perfect for me. Thank goodness for a father who encouraged individuality.

Last, but not least 4) Live. It sounds simple. Just live. I know that he had his own struggles, hurts, regrets, and dreams. Most of all, what I learned from him is to just live. Live each day, each moment, and be present with it. At the age of 70, my father was in the hospital with bladder cancer, we laughed, laughed, laughed. He was grumpy, cussing at the nurses when they did not answer his questions right or had him sitting around for "no reason", or making fun of the fact that hospital beds do not accommodate 6'6" frames, and we still laughed. He was a gentle giant, and they understood that he meant no harm. No matter what was going on, we seemed to find a moment to laugh. That is life for me. I love to laugh. Both of my parents loved to laugh. Dad had a husky, loud, laugh that was truly from the heart. He lived life.

Yes, there are more things I learned from John Gaskins and they will be revealed at different times, when I need them most. Most of all, I learned that Fathers are just men, not super men. Men that live life, make choices, make mistakes, laugh, love, hurt, cry, and want the best for themselves and their family - just like women. I honor my Dad for just being a man, nothing more, nothing less, just a man who lived his life the best way he knew. And I will forever love him in all his humanity.

Get A Grip! Get Movin'.

2009-09-30T06:37:00.000-04:00

“There are no short cuts to any place worth going.” ~Beverly Sills

Discipline and Self-Control

Excerpt from, Long Island Hypnotherapy

“Many people have the mistaken idea that if you work out a lot, or practice your craft for eight hours per day, you have discipline and self-control. Not necessarily. Discipline is the ability to continue to do something that you would rather not do! It’s easy to sit on the couch and watch TV for hours at a time if you like to do that. But try to get someone with lots of energy and no interest in TV to sit there for hours staring at the screen. Now that would take discipline and lots of self-control.

Discipline is what enables people to be successful in many areas of life. It is easy to achieve success in those areas that we enjoy and that come to us naturally. Attaining a high degree of success in areas that we don't really like, but must participate in requires discipline. For many people going to work every day requires discipline. If you ask one hundred people if they like to go to work most of them would say they would rather not. It is rare to find people who would actually choose to go to work if they had the choice of doing other things and still receive a pay check!”

You, a Magnet for Success?

2009-09-30T06:13:00.000-04:00

The Science of Success Achievement

As a consultant and coach, I take personality seriously. The way in which you are perceived by others can determine whether you get a second look, a return call, an invitation to that important meeting with extraordinary prospective clientele, and even determines how your children's teacher and prinipal interact with you. Believe it or not your personality is a key to your success. After finding the Personal Magnetism Test, created by Rick Gettle, I used it, and incorporated elements of it into my business with clients. If you have never assessed the way others look at you, take the time to consider that it makes a difference. The follwoing is the Personal Magnetism Test, there are no wrong answers, just opportunities to grow.

PERSONAL MAGNETISM TEST:

Personality is the mental, spiritual, and physical traits - good or bad - which distinguish you from all others. To realize prosperity and success you need to build a powerful magnetic personality that attracts people to you. Here's a list of traits that will help you achieve a pleasing, attractive, engaging, and winning personality.

Please rate yourself, not on how you feel about yourself, but on how you think others would rate you. Rate Yourself --- Poor - Fair - Good - Excellent

A Positive Mental Attitude---------------------------------------------------
Keep your mind filled throughout the day with positive and happy thoughts? It’s not much fun being around negative people. Treat everyone you meet as if they were the most important person in the world.

Positive Self-Projection-------------------------------------------------------
Learn how to send out and project an aura into the atmosphere that surrounds you, that will create a good mood and feeling for those near you.

The Capacity To Understand People---------------------------------------
To be a leader and well respected by the people you work with - you must learn to be an expert when it comes to understanding and inspiring people.

Appearance---------------------------------------------------------------------
The best-dressed and groomed person usually increases their energy and attracts the most favorable attention.

Control Of Your Emotions----------------------------------------------------
Self discipline is necessary if you're to enjoy the benefits of a pleasing personality. Some of the negative feelings, which must be brought under control, are: Fear, hatred, anger, envy, greed, jealousy, revenge, irritability, and superstition. On the positive side of these negative emotions are the positives of: Love, kindness, faith, hope, desire, loyalty, sympathy, and optimism.

Use Of Creativity---------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone is born with a brain and an imagination. Some use theirs to develop their fullest capacity to create a great life for themselves - while others use theirs very seldom and end up living a life of mediocrity and lack.

Hope And Ambition------------------------------------------------------------
A person without ambition may be harmless to others, but will never be popular. No one cares much about a person who shows by their actions (or lack of action) that they have abandoned hope of getting ahead in this world. Having dreams, goals, and plans on how to achieve them – create positive energy around you.

Persuasiveness----------------------------------------------------------------
To get what you want from life you must have the powers of persuasion to get others to want to help you and cooperate with you.

Temperance---------------------------------------------------------------------
The person who lacks the necessary self-discipline to manage his or her personal habits is never attractive to others. This is especially true of eating, drinking and sexual relationships. Excesses in relation to any of these destroy personal magnetism.

Concern For Others-----------------------------------------------------------
A person who is concerned about the welfare, happiness, and safety of others is a well-loved person.

Patience-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a fast moving, high speed world. The tempo of human thoughts and actions is so rapid that people often get in one another's way. Patience is required if you wish to avoid friction in human relationships.

Self-Motivation-----------------------------------------------------------------
If it’s meant to be – it’s up to me. Making things happen.

Humility Of The Heart---------------------------------------------------------
Be humble. Keep your empathy and your ego in balance.

Aspiration For Excellence----------------------------------------------------
Always doing your very best – taking personal initiative and going the extra mile.

A Friendly And Pleasing Tone Of Voice------------------------------------
Keep your tone of voice calm, friendly, soothing, caring, cheerful, easygoing and kind-hearted.

Self-Discipline------------------------------------------------------------------
Discipline is what corrects, molds, and perfects.

Ability To Work In Harmony With Others----------------------------------
Teamwork and cooperation.

A Fondness For People-------------------------------------------------------
It is inevitable that people who dislike others will be disliked; people sense disapproval, even when you're silent! It is greatly beneficial to monitor your thoughts and emotions as well as your words. Treat everyone you meet, every day, as if they were the most important person in the world. They will give you their love, their respect and their business.

Problem Solving Skills--------------------------------------------------------

The Habit Of Smiling----------------------------------------------------------
It requires 12 muscles to smile - 103 muscles to frown. When we smile at another person, it puts them at ease and raises their self-esteem. It also releases endorphins in your brain that gives you a feeling of well-being and contentment. Your smile will change the mental attitude of those with whom you come into contact.

Self-Confidence----------------------------------------------------------------
Correction and regulation of oneself for the sake of improvement.

Positive Facial Expressions--------------------------------------------------
There are thousands of ways a person speaks without ever opening their mouth. It’s called body language. Are your facial expressions saying things that will attract others to you, or turn them off?

Speaking Ability Before Others---------------------------------------------
Can you inspire and rouse an audience to action?

Courtesy------------------------------------------------------------------------
Always go out of your way to help others and be kind to them.

Show Alertness Of Interest-------------------------------------------------
The greatest compliment one can pay another person is that of concentrating their attention wholly on the person that is talking to them. Be a great listener.

Personal Magnetism---------------------------------------------------------
Do you have the ability to arouse and add vitality in people? People love to be around others that make them feel alive and important.

Sincerity-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Always be genuine and honest and free from deceit and phoniness.

A Good Sense Of Humor-----------------------------------------------------
A well developed sense of humor helps you stay flexible and adjust to life's varying circumstances. It keeps you from taking yourself and life too seriously.

Flexibility------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you have the ability to adapt yourself to quickly changing circumstances without losing your composure?

Tolerance-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Keep an open mind at all times, this applies to people and circumstances.

Frankness In Manner And Speech-----------------------------------------
Always be straightforward and sincere. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Get your point across in the shortest time with well-chosen words.

Tactfulness---------------------------------------------------------------------
Skill and grace in dealing with others. People show their lack of tact in many ways. The most common are: A gruff and irritable tone of voice indicating that you are in a negative mental mood or displeased. Volunteering opinions which have not been requested, and for which no reason exists, especially opinions on subjects with which one is not familiar. Interrupting the speech of others, indicating one of the more frequent expressions of discourtesy, and lack of culture. Expressing your dislike too freely. Overworking the personal pronoun, "I". Asking favors you haven't earned the right to request. Asking impertinent questions generally for impressing others with the questioner’s importance, or his or her contempt of the one they are addressing. Injecting intimately personal subjects into conversations where such actions have not been invited, and may be embarrassing to others. Going where one has not been invited, the habit of trying to minimize another person’s achievements, speaking disparagingly of people in the presence of their friends, and common boastfulness speak to a persons tactfulness.

A Keen Sense of Justice-----------------------------------------------------
Doing the right thing in dealing with people. Live by the golden rule.

Appropriate Choice Of Words-----------------------------------------------
The English language is filled with words which carry every conceivable shade of meaning. There is no excuse for the common habit of using words that offend others. And, of course, the use of profanity at any time, or under any circumstances, is inexcusable and unnecessary.

Effective Speech---------------------------------------------------------------
People have risen to great heights of personal achievement because of their ability to sell themselves and their ideas through dramatization of speech. The most important factor in effective speech is a thorough knowledge of the subject on which you are speaking. All the rules of effective speaking can be stated in one sentence. Know what you want to say, say it with all the emotional feeling at your command, and then sit down.

Versatility-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Popular people are versatile. They have at least a surface knowledge of many subjects. They are interested in other people and in other people’s ideas.

Control Of Temper-------------------------------------------------------------
The person who lets his or her temper fly off in all directions is sure to receive negative feedback. The most common injury an uncontrolled temper inflicts is that which results from an uncontrolled tongue.

Effective Showmanship--------------------------------------------------------
Have a sense or knack for dramatically effective presentation. Pizzazz.

Clean Sportsmanship---------------------------------------------------------
Show graciousness in winning and in losing, and, in getting or not getting what you want.

The Ability To Shake Hands Properly--------------------------------------
We all know how uncomfortable it is when someone squeezes your hand too hard. Also, a limp handshake leaves a poor impression. The person who shakes hands properly coordinates his or her handshake with their words of greeting, generally emphasizing each word with a firm grip of the hand. They do not release the other person's hand until they finish their greeting.

Making Decisions Promptly--------------------------------------------------
Successful men and women reach decisions quickly and act on them promptly.

Faith In Infinite Intelligence-------------------------------------------------
Stay in harmony with the Supreme Being that created this universe, whoever you think your creator is.

Enthusiasm---------------------------------------------------------------------
Enthusiasm is to go forward every morning with the thrill of being alive.

Now that you have looked at those areas, choose 5 in which to make improvements. What actions will you take to improve those areas? Once you have improved, move on to others. It is all about growth and development. Be a magnet in all areas, with your family, friends, and at work. It can't hurt!

Not Your Average Love Story Most little girls, as they are growing up, dream of the white picket fence, the husband, and having two children. That is not my story, it did cross my mind, but somehow I knew my family would never be the normal one. My Love Story, began when I saw a little boy at a foster home in October of 2000. When I tell people about meeting him, it sounds like a made for television drama. See when you adopt, the child is born in your heart. The winter began to set in on Cleveland, Ohio; I worked in the Department of Children and Family Services as a social worker. The first children I visited were two girls placed in a foster home. Prior to this case, I had none. In fact, I had a choice between 2-3 other cases and chose this particular one. Single, college graduate, no children, those were my basic stats at the time. As I sat on the couch of the foster parents’ home there was a tiny boy hiding behind the curtains playing peek-a-boo with me and laughing. Soon after his antics with the curtains he crawled up on the couch, sat next to me, and just looked at me. He moved closer, and then closer, eventually he was on my lap. In a moment of freedom I said, “I’m gonna take you home with me.” About a year following that day, his foster mother told me he was available for adoption. Due to making monthly visits to the home for the other children placed there, I had grown attached to hi, and always wanted to know how he was doing. When told me, my heart stopped and I got worried that I would never know how he was or what happened to him. So, I made the choice to adopt him. Single, college graduate, no children, those were my basic stats at the time. Little did I know that day would be a day to change two lives. Jamil, officially, became my son in March of 2003 at the age of 3 years old and our love story is still being written. Adoption, to me is no different than having a natural child in many ways. I question my fitness as a parent and whether I made the “right” decision. And there were times, and still are, when I thought he would be better off with someone else. He would have two parents, a bigger house, a better yard, a dog (like he begs me to get), and other siblings in the home (like he begs me to get). And were it not for the support of other family and friends, we would not have made it this far. He is what I live for now. He is the Love of my Life. When I think about him not being in my life, it is hard to fathom. I received a call from my sister in California, whom he stays with for part of the summer. At the time was nine years old, he was asking about his birth Mother, and I became worried. To let you know, he is has always known he was adopted; he has an album with the names of his birth parents, knows he has siblings and has bet all but one of them. It has never been a conversation that was off limits for him. With that said, she had questioned him on what he would change about his life and he said, “nothing”. He expressed that he loves me, he is happy to be adopted, and he would not change that at all. Neither would I. At every juncture, it has always been my intention to have him be well adjusted. Unlike birth children, Jamil has questions about life that speak to who he is in a different way. Why he is not with his birth family? What happened that his parents were not able to care for him? He has a list of questions of which I can not and would not attempt answer for him. However, as his Mom I can be there to support him in becoming what he wants to be, developing him for the future, and accepting himself. Isn’t that what being a parent is about anyway? Still single, still a college graduate, one child, those are my basic stats. He was not born from me physically, but he was born in my heart. And this is not your average love story. Are you considering becoming an adoptive parent? There are plenty of helpful resources available, listed below: Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption National Adoption Center National Council for Adoption AdoptUsKids Adoption Resources Child Welfare Information Gateway Courageous Choice Adopt America Network Children Awaiting Parents Comeunity Comeunity Resource Listing Children Awaiting Parents

2009-09-30T04:54:00.000-04:00

"Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody expects of you. Never excuse yourself.”

~Henry Ward Beecher

Set a "Standard of Excellence" in intimate relationships, with family and friends, in money management, with your health, in keeping your home, in dealing with and in your community, in communication, in your business, and see how things begin to come alive in your Life. Raise the Standard. A Standard of perpetual motion, outdoing self to the next level daily – that is the Standard of Excellence. Go beyond the norm, be distinguishable, be excellent.

A Journey of a Million Miles: Being in Harmony with the Flow of Life

2009-09-01T21:37:00.000-04:00

Butterflies are one of my favorite creatures. Maybe it is due to the butterfly decal my Mom had on in the rear window of our 1970’s Ford Station Wagon. Butterflies seem to appear out of nowhere, when in fact, there is a process to them sprouting those beautiful wings, similar to the Life of a human being.

We all have a time where we will sprout wings. Metaphorically speaking, it comes at different times for everyone. The transformation from caterpillar to butterfly occurs without struggle or strain; it is just a part of the cycle of the caterpillar to butterfly. There are over 160,000 types of butterflies in the world, just as there are differences in people. From the beginning a caterpillar is a voracious eater consuming food, just like in the book The Very Hungry Caterpillar. In the next phase, it ceases to consume food and goes into a “mummy-like” state. Some caterpillars go into this phase by covering themselves with a cocoon, hiding in dirt, or simply suspend themselves from trees using a silk pad attached to a tree. Whatever way they choose, the caterpillar goes into a world of its own until it is time for it to emerge. When the butterfly emerges from the cocoon it is unrecognizable, the creature that once was no longer exists.

The life of a caterpillar is not unlike the life of a human. At the beginning of life, we take in everything from food to noises to faces. At some point, there we break away and begin creating our own cocoon. It could be the cocoon of our friends, family, neighborhood, college, trade school, or job that serves to give us what we want. What happens in that cocoon can dictate our characteristics when we emerge, if we emerge at all. If the cocoon is too tight, gets damaged, or there is an accident the contents may be skewed, missing necessary elements, or not see the light of day. The cocoon is there to serve as a place for growth and development of the things necessary to survive in the next phase. When the butterfly becomes visible, they are miraculous.

Once the butterfly appears it instinctively goes on its way. Some butterflies are great navigators, flying 1800 miles to their Fall destination and meet up with others, while some stick around pollinating the plants. No matter what, each type does its job without fuss, fight, or complaint because it is in harmony with Life. Having harmony means your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings are in agreement. Harmony is not elusive; you can create harmony with these four ingredients:
1. Focus on Your Goal
2. Be Aware of What and Who Surrounds You
3. Put Your Feelings in Check
4. Fly, Fly, Fly

The next thing you know you will be in the flow of Life, your wings will appear.

Responsibility Breeds Results

2009-04-14T08:53:00.000-04:00

Something Every Leader Knows

Before getting into any discussion about responsibility or being responsible, it makes sense to have a clear definition of the word. Often, people have an idea or concept of what something means. This is the definition to use for the purposes of this article.

re•spon•si•ble \ri-ˈspän(t)-sə-bəl\ adjective 1 a: liable to be called on to answer b (1): liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent (2): being the cause or explanation.

With that under our belt, to be responsible is no small task. Most people spend their lives avoiding being responsible for their actions. George Washington Carver once said, "Ninety-nine percent of all failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses.” Who are these people and for what are they responsible? Or the question could be posed for what am I responsible?

The Who, not the group, is you and those around you. But, let us make it personal. You are responsible for your actions, inaction, what you see, say, think, and do not think. Yes, it might seem like an overwhelming task. However, every aspect of your Life depends on your action, inaction, what you see both metaphorically and literally, what you speak out of your mouth, how you think and how you do not think. And the only person responsible for that is you. Of course, you might go back to what you were or were not exposed to as a child, the environment from which you came, teachers who were not nice, people who picked on you, and the list goes on. At the point in which you choose to take responsibility all of that disappears and you come out with strength, power, and freedom. Strength, power, and freedom to do, be or say, what is needed in a given situation, time, or place without restraint. “Although there may be tragedy in your life, there's always a possibility to triumph. It doesn't matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always,” was said by Oprah Winfrey. There is no greater responsibility that what you take for yourself. At the same time, once you are able to see you are responsible for your actions, inaction, what you see, say, think, and do not think; you now become responsible for the consequences bestowed on others as a result.

For what are you responsible? No one can escape the consequences of who they are or are not. Consequences are not good or bad, they simply are what they are. You choose to do or not do something there are going to be consequences. No matter where you turn you have responsibilities. The first definition of responsible is “liable to be called on to answer” after that we find, “to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent,” and “ being the cause or explanation”. You are responsible for those things you can be held to account. You are responsible for those things for which you can make an impact whether you see the impact or not, it does not matter. You are responsible for your “actions, inaction, what you see, say, think, and do not think.”

John Quinones, of ABS News, hosts a show called “What Would You Do?” which videos the response of people in different situations. For example, some show topics have touched on whether or not people would step in if they saw a person of color being harassed at a clothing store, gay patrons being bashed at a local pub, a Hispanic being beaten up and called names on a busy street, and seeing the spouse or significant other of a close friend snuggling with someone other that your friend; what would you do? Being responsible is a way of life and has you impact the lives of those around by expanding your reach. When can you afford not to be responsible? The price of greatness is responsibility; maybe it is that we are afraid of our power, strength, and ability to be free. Being responsible often produces great results meaning we are seen as great people. And truth be told, most people like the thought of being great, not what it takes to get there.

The results produced from being responsible are many; a Life of excitement for each day, the power to have situations be what you want, causing the lives of others to be transformed, clarity to make choices and decisions with no regrets, the courage to make things happen, and being seen as a leader. A leader is someone who is confident in their abilities and the abilities of those around them, allows others to have results which impact their life, and, John Buchan said it best, “the task of leadership is not to put into humanity, but to elicit it, for the greatness is already there.” Taking responsibility no matter what has others be responsible for their greatness, their action, in action, what they see, say, think, and do not think. It elicits responsibility, action, and leadership in others. Responsibility breeds responsibility which breeds results.

Today, take responsibility for both your past and your future. Take responsibility for your actions, look for places you are not being responsible, when you see places that require someone to be responsible you be the ripple in the pond, if there is something that needs to be said and it will make a difference say it, begin to transform your thoughts to those of action and being responsible for your greatness, and you will be amazed at the results you produce. Great people are responsible leaders and responsibility breeds results. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and produce results?

Be a Magnet for What You Want

2009-04-13T08:35:00.000-04:00

“Personality is to a man what perfume is to a flower.” -Charles Schwab

In Life, relationship, business, and your career you are attracting different people, things, and opportunities. You are also repelling the Life, relationship, business, and career you want. How? The simple answer is personality, presence, and magnetism. In all parts of Life your personality out shines your knowledge and abilities. How do you become a magnet for the things that you want? Here are three ways to being a Magnet for What You Want.

1. Be a Possibility Hound
Keep your thoughts focused on the things that are possible in with each day, week, and month. When you meet new people think of what is possible for them out of meeting you and you meeting them. What interests do you have that you can share? Treat them as you would a King or Queen, they have your full attention.

2. Excellence Focused
Being a person who strives from excellence at all times and encourages others to do the same is one of the most attractive qualities in a personality. Let it be noted, there is a measurable difference between showing excellence through example and assisting people in achieving excellence and being controlling or overbearing to have excellence appear.

3. Effective Communication
Effective speaking and communication send your magnetism meter higher than you might think. People who are able to get their ideas and thoughts across are able to attract the people and things they want in Life. The ability to also listen to others communication and repeat it back to them is a key to letting others know you were listening to their communication. People have risen to great heights of personal achievement because of their ability to sell themselves and their ideas through dramatization of speech. The most important factor in effective speech is a thorough knowledge of the subject on which you are speaking. All the rules of effective speaking can be stated in one sentence. Know what you want to say, say it with all the emotional feeling at your command, and then sit down.

Your success in getting what you want, selling yourself, and your idea is 98% personality and 2% knowledge. It has been said that “some people have so much personality, presence, and magnetism that they brighten a room when they come in. Others have so little, that they brighten the room when they leave”. Apply the three ways to be a magnet and you will begin to see the things you want materialize. You will be the one to brighten the room and have your dreams realized.

Change Your Life

2009-04-01T07:26:00.000-04:00

You have the power to transform your World right now. It takes transforming the way you relate to yourself and the people around you. Intending to have an existence that is in line with what you want takes being intentional daily. To ignite your Life means releasing the old ways of being and creating something new. There are six ways to begin that journey:

1. Invest in You: Assess your needs, wants, and desires then make those your priority. Address your list one item at a time each week, the investment in yourself will start to ignite the flames of the Life of your dreams.

2. Get Moving: Take out the list of things you mean to repair, people that need a return call, get moving in asking for that raise or looking for your dream job, or starting that business. Write three (3) things that you are going to complete each day to begin fanning the flames of the Life you want.

3. Never Quit: When you find yourself in a time of failure or what can be called “the dip of Life” reevaluate where you have things undone and move on them. Never quit, never give up. You might do best to call a friend, let them know what you are up to, and ask how they can help or if they will become an accountability partner.

4. Inject Positivity: One way to inject positivity is to write your goals in a place which is prominent; the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator, your computer screensaver, and the dash of your car. This will keep your commitment to forward thinking in front of you each day. Surrounding yourself with people who are positive and support you in moving forward is key.

5. Togetherness: Get outside of yourself and be with those who love you, those who have the same interests, and those who are where you are headed. Life happens while you are sitting and thinking about what to do or how to do it. Get involved with a volunteer project, a family member, coworkers, or a social issue you are passionate about; you never know what will come from being with people.

6. Eye on the Prize: When running a race there are many things that have gone into being at that starting line, getting up early to train, eating the right foods, resting, weight lifting, and missing friends and family events at different times. Keep your eye on what you are moving towards, all the other stuff is circumstances or reasons that come up with Life. Keep your Eye on the Prize.

How do you Ignite Your Life? Consistently put these things into practice and soon you will recognize your Life as what you dreamed now being real. The best way I can offer for you to reach your goals with velocity is to join the Unleash Your Power Group Coaching beginning in two weeks!

Think Big, Play Big, or Go Home!

2008-08-06T07:37:00.001-04:00

Think Big, Play Big, or Go Home!

Sometimes we get caught up in the things of Life that seem to be real! Really, the truth is that they are usually small things that we allow to take over our Mind, over shadow our goals, and become the foundation of excuses. Excuses serve our ability to deny our own greatness. Why not cut the excuses and Play Big?

Cutting the excuses takes believing that there is an alternative to what you see, believe, hear, or are told. Excuses serve to shift responsibility from you. Not taking responsibility blocks acknowledgement of the natural power given to you. EXCUSES=NO POWER. It would seem that deflecting the responsibility to someone else would free you up to live a Life of freedom, power, and full self-expression. It just so happens that the opposite occurs. There is no freedom, no power, and seldom is there full self-expression. How then can you think big and play big to create a Life you love?

Have you ever talked to a child? We naturally think big and play big. My son loves Superheroes, animated charaters, and all things adventurous. He has not yet blocked that part of himself as an adult has learned and believes is necessary. When he walks up to an automatic door he believes he has the power to open it and acts as though he is! As we speak about where he wants to go in the World, he talks about China. His mind takes him to places and envision things that are Big, if he is editing his thoughts I would love to see the full vision. However, as adults we edit through what we have been told is possible, who we think we are, who we think others are, what we think is possible, and how long we think it will take to achieve our goal. Your natural power is only released when you are willing to give up your perceptions, beliefs, and excuses. Allow yourself to dream the dream which you thought could never happen and begin looking at how to create it. That includes people, places, finances, etc. Let it live!

To play big all the same rules apply, think about how to have what you want created. Playing bug takes action and unless you are willing to invite other kids into the sandbox you are playing small. Expanding your circle, including others into game moves the ball down the court with speed. An without you knowing it, the game becomes fun, assists others in developing their game, and even brigns you a few friends and associates that want to play the game of Life with you. Playing small only serves to keep you from living a Life of freedom, power, and full self-expression.

Remember playing with a group of children when you were young? If you were playing a team sport you expected them to come in with the thoughts of winning and winning BIG or you would be ready to send them home! The same can be said for you now with the people who are in your circle. Do they THINK BIG and PLAY BIG? The question can easily be internalized. Do you THINK BIG and PLAY BIG? If not, then what are you gonna do. Go home or get on the court?

http://www.enterprisinglife.com/

Attract it!

2008-07-26T10:06:00.000-04:00

Law of Attraction Lessons Q&A

For two plus years, I have studied and participated in The Law of Attraction via The Secret, a Course in Miracles (a little), and other teachings. The think I find the most interesting is that there are people who know bout the Law and yet, cannot quite Master it. Not saying I am a Master, I am interested in being a Master at it.

The Law encourages people to master themselves from each thought and emotion to the words we speak. All of that brings Life to your reality. Expanding who you are invariably will attract what you want, depending on what you want. Recently, I looked at the things I have or do not have and it is true I attracted it. Now, it is up to me to either attract something else or be content with what I have attracted. You can change your Life in the blink of an eye by transforming what you attract and what you are attracted to!

My choice is to be attracted to the things, people, and places that bring and exude abundance.
What are you attracting and to are you attracted?

Sidney Gaskins
Enterprising Life
Unleash Your Life!
www.enterprisinglife.com

Our Deepest Fear

2008-06-30T02:11:00.000-04:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

By far this is one of the most moving and inspirational quotes every penned in the history on mankind. It may be up for debate, however, the truth is that Marianne Williamson speaks what humanity feels. It is no wonder that the number one fear in the World is not death, but public speaking. To stand before people and proclaim knowledge that they do not have, subject yourself to criticism, and possible embarrassment is unbearable for the majority of the people in the World.

Likewise, many people do not step out of the shadows because they fear the truth. Those to take on Truth carry the responsibility that goes with Truth. Truth is not just speech, but it is action. It takes something to go against the grain, to standout from the crowd. Starting a business was the same experience for me, yet once I embraced that this is my Life and it is an opportunity to liberate myself and others, it became something to embrace, love, and cherish. The Truth is that who we each are and what we allow to be shown to the World sometimes conflict. And withholding who you are withholds something from the World. Withholding your vision, talent, personality, drive, innovative spirit, and helpfulness serves no one, not even you. Those around you remain in the same thought patterns and rituals until someone breaks the mold.

It might just be you that sets someone free. The Truth is:

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Play Big, Play Bright!

Misguided Quotes and other Myths

2008-06-30T00:34:00.000-04:00

When we think about love and relationships we reflect on all types of myths, old wives tales, and quotes. It is interesting to look at how humans react to love. A four lettered word which has many a definition, been the well-spring of man songs and fights, cause confusion, and has more people chasing after it than money. People have shown that they can do without money, we barter for what we need and want. And people live in poverty with very little money. However, the same cannot be said for love. Yes, love and money seem to be cousins; kissing cousins.

One quote has seemed to remain a staple of love lore, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it never was yours to begin with." It has be attributed to Fiona Baldwin, who information is missing in the vast Internet superhighway. Unfortunately, this quote has been passed to generations who have embraced its well meaning sentiment, yet have taken little time to debunk such a quote to create something that is empowering and supports healthy, growing, and stable relationships. Why has this one spent so much time in the annuls of the human love bank?

In relationships we spend time with people getting to know them and so we think. The truth is that the majority of the time in relationships is not spent getting to know the other person or even spending time with that person. It is spent showing them what you want them to see or need them to see and then attempting to make them into what you need or want. There is a famous monologue from William Shakespeare's As You Like It, that encompasses the idea brilliantly:

"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts,"

We play part in Life without thought to who were are playing them with and end up in a relationship were we believe we have love. Mostly because there is misguided idea of the meaning of love. That is another subject all together. To grasp the myth of this quote is to understand one simple thing, you have the power to get what you want, but you must be clear about what you want and need, then be willing to stand up for it.

Conversations about love and relationships are had regularly at work, at home, in the grocery store; among friends, family, strangers, and in religious settings. Let it not be forgotten, on the Internet, which brings out an interesting statement. The point was made that if you let someone go and they come back maybe they had nowhere else to go, not because they belonged with you. Human nature is to seek comfort, care, and be in a place where we can get the necessities of Life. If you are no longer in a healthy relationship and you have to go find one, that can be hard, and the tendency is to go back to what you know, disregarding the signs, to be taken care of and needs met.

Situations in Life are no different than relationships. They comeback and due to a comfort level, an inability to deal with it appropriately, or a lack of recognition it is let back in to place where it does not belong. And the tendency is to resort to resignation, cynicism, doubt, and fear. "Well I guess this is the way it will always be", "I've tried and tried and nothing helps", "God must mean for this to be this way" and surely, there are more. And it is the truth, only if you sign the contract on it. To accept something blindly without looking at it from all angles puts you in a position where you have given away your power.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it never was yours to begin with... a statement of powerlessness, doubt, cynicism, and defeat can be turned around and used as a guide to living powerfully:

Love freely: Allow who you are to be about love. Love is unconditional, as well as about well-being for you and others. It is not love to have yourself be injured or suppressed to allow another to be free.
Be Aware: There are people and situations that will reappear. When you are aware of who your, what you want, and the issues others bring to the "party" you can freely choose to take part or leave it alone.
Forever Only if You Say: You can have a situation or a person in your Life forever, only if you accept it.
Lose Control: No really, lose control! You have no control over what others say, do, how they act, react, or do not act or react. That is the truth.

Rewrite the quote and take back to Power in your Life to have the relationships that will support you. You can join my Free NO GAS CLASS on Tuesdays "Unleash the Power" to explore the power you have to produce the Life you want now. Register at www.unleashthepower.eventbrite.com.

Find Your Groove and Stick with It!

2008-06-26T14:25:00.000-04:00

Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength. Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he couldn't understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.

"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"

"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied. Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.

Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.

"No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."

Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion.

On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.

"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"

"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered.

"First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm."

The boy's biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.

(from)Bits & Pieces
August 15, 1996
Economic Press, Inc.

Rain on Me: You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!

2008-06-14T09:52:00.000-04:00

Another day of walking outside, I love to workout outside. My trick is to alternate taking the jumprope and hand weights with me then go different routes to avoid boredom! Sometimes there is anelement that it uncontrollable that creeps in, the weather. Rain in particular can pose a dilemma. Just like the weatherof Life.

Today as I stepped out of the house the wind hit me, it was cool and relaxing. As I slipped on my headphones and pushed play I knew this was going to be an interesting day, the gray in the sky gave the first clue. Not even 100 steps into my walk I felt rain, just a little. And kept walking. The first thing that came in my mind was "I've done this before!". A month prior the rain came, I chose to keep going, for forty minutes I stayed in the rain. It was a choice then and a choice this time. Each time something comes up in Life it is a choice how it will be dealth with. The difference is that each storm is not the same!

Each day is not the same, just as the challenges of Life are not the same. We go through the death of relationships and people, changing jobs, moving, birth of children, loss of health and maybe dreams, and the list can go on. Yet, we wake up the net day, a new day. The only thing that is the same in the day is you. And depending on the day, you are not the same. The trick is to learn to deal with the challenges and move forward. What happens when we stay in the perceived defeat of a situation is that we cut off possibility of growth, Life, and opportunity. All situations can be transformed into an opportunity.

Think of yourself as a seed. There is no seed that can grow without water! Quick research revealed that even plants that grow in the desert need to be saturated in water to germinate. Water carried vital nutrients and oxygen (Life) to the seed so it can grow. Now the facinating thing about seeds are they have no idea what they are supposed to be just that they need water and light. People are no different, except we fight against our dreams because there might be rain in the form of people who do not believe in you, how daunting the task looks, and what we think about ourselves. Seeds are planted and have no idea how big they are supposed to be so they do not get stopped, discouraged, depressed, or stay still when planted. Do you know what they do when planted in a small pot? Outgrow it!

What do we do when we really do outgrow our pot? We get scared and attempt to find ways to stay in the pot. That could be to avoid failure,who knows, only you can answer why you would attempt to stay somewhere that you no longer fit. The best parts of your Life may be waiting for you outside of that pot. See, a sequoia or redwood tree seed do not know that they are meant to grow to be 165-280 ft. they just grow how they are supposed to grow. No matter where they are planted they just grow. Yes, there are factors that can distort the growth of the sequoia, but it does not change the fact that the sequoia is meant to be 165-280 ft. tall! Until something happens to stop the growth it just keeps growing and one day it needs to be replanted.

Maybe you need to be replanted in new soil. It could be a new job, relationship, house, friends, thought patterns, routine, or vehicle. It all starts with your mindset. You were created to be fabulous, wonderful, lively, inspirational, and to grow. Don't stop now due to a setback, disappointment, lack of patience, or an unhealthy way of thinking. Transform your mind, transform your situation, transform you're Life! The best is yet to come!

"Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

Thomas Edison

Who Wants to Be a Millionairey Anyway?

2008-06-13T21:16:00.000-04:00

"Millionairey" was used by the grandmother of a friend when she was talking about getting money from a network marketing company. When I heard the story it amused me and I began to understand how our older generations think about things, to a point. A few days ago, while going through The Secrets of a Millionaire Mind, I was reminded of that word "millionairey" and the mindset that went with the thought.

Why would you NOT want to be a "millionairey"? We all have our own stories about what it means to have money. A participant in a program I had the privilege of coaching had a story about how rich people "should" use their money and resented the ways they thought the money was being spent. The great thing was that once the story was unfolded there was freedom around people who are rich, even creating relationships with them. Again, we all have our own stories, it could be that they are mean, have stolen to get it, do not share enough (usually with "us"), have to work too hard, are never with their families, are flashy, do not deserve it, and a whole litany of other things. What there is to look at is why you do not seek to be a Millionaire yourself! God, knows you do not want to be one of THEM.

The fabulous thing is that getting money will only reveal more of who you already are to the World. If you are a stingy, cheap, "poor" person, guess what? You will be a stingy, cheal, Millionaire. If you think people are after your money at your middle class job, guess what? You will surely think that people are after your money if you are a Millionaire. Being a Millionaire only brings money, not character. Character is built over years, not in seconds. Being a Millionaire may be scary because of your character or way of being and story.That is it. The good new is that you can choose now your way of being on the road to Millionaire status.

So, why not be a Millionairey? "What would my family say?", "The government will take most of it", "It's too much work", "That's too much for me to handle", "People will only like me for my money", and "I'm comfortable". Those are only a few that came to mind. A one point someone told made mention that they were not willing to buy a BMW because they were afraid that someone would break into it, steal it or the rims. That same limiting mentality can be seen in their thoughts about money. Being a Millionaire means something, only what you make it mean. What do you choose to make it mean?

I fight with the Millionairey mentality and the questions of what others will think. But the first thin to look at is what it means to me. "Millionaire" to me means freedom, expression, philanthropy, adventure, fun, business, family security, and legacy. Sure, there are many other things, however, those are the ones that come to ind right away. Those are the things that matter. Whether I have a million dollars or not there are always going to be people who talk about me, work to be done around money, taxes to pay, and a level of comfort to maintain. Yet there is a choice to be made. We have free will and choice. What do you choose?

To choose Millionaire takes four things:

Recognition that your mindset is not in line with the wealth you have a right to obtain.
Choice of being wealthy, better yet, a Millionaire.
Declaration to yourself and another of your choice to become a Millionaire
Commitment to daily take the steps and behaviors that will lead to being a Millionaire.

Millionaires are committed to being rich. Millionaireys find reason not to be and consistently validate them. Which one are you? You choose. Who wants to be a Millionaire?

Unleash Your Life.
Sidney

www.enterprisinglife.com

So What? Don't Give Up Now!

2008-06-11T11:07:00.000-04:00

My quest for the body of Laila Ali has been in progress for a while. And this morning I felt the push, excitement, and anxiety of it all. After walking with weights for 40 minutes, I came into the house, got something to drink, and began participating in Total Body Sculpt with Gilad on FIT TV.

As I participated, it came to me that I had been here before! Literally and figuratively, two years prior I worked out daily; running 3 miles and 3 times per week I participated in spin classes. And now, I find myself at the same place again. What happened? I gave up. It got to be too much, instead of making it a part of my Life it was something else "to do". At the moment that came to me, I was on the floor doing crunches just as I had done before. My spirit, said to me "Don't you give up now!"

"Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." Thomas Edison.
Often times, we spend our time looking at how far we have to go or what has to be done to get to the end of our vision or achieve a goal. When we do that we end up defeating ourselves. Sometimes it happens when we are within reach of the goal, yet we do not know it. Surely Thomas Edison did not know how close he was to creating the light bulb when he did it; he only has a feeling that it was close. When Charles Brooks was working on a new way to have streets swept, imagine what it would be like if he had given up before creating the street sweeping truck. Our world would be a different place if people simply gave up when they were close to reaching their goal. What drove them to continue, in spite of the challenges?

Challenges are not unique to anyone that is simply a fact of life. How challenges are dealt with happens to be unique to each person and it begins in the mind. Jack Canfield, one of the authors of Chicken Soup for the Soul, was featured in The Secret. He talked about how his Life was with family dysfunction, hard times, what he had been taught by parents about money, etc. all the things that make up our "hard luck" stories. The poignant moment in his appearance came when he stated all that "story" and stuff is "So What?". "So What?" your parents were divorced, "So What?" you failed last time, "So What?" they do not like you, "So What"? Every person has challenges to deal with in Life, challenges are not unique, it is your mindset about those challenges which determines how you will come out one the other side. There are four ways to be when going through Life which if taken on in all areas of Life, at all times, will guarantee that you will meet and overcome challenges.

1. Be Diligent: Never give up. Diligence is giving consistent effort to accomplish a goal. Take the stand that there are going to be challenges no matter what happens. And that challenges are neither good nor bad, they just are a part of Life. Be consistent and continue, NEVER GIVE UP!

2. Be Patient: Patient is "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". How is that for a definition? Know that things are going to happen and take them as a part of the journey. Being patient builds your ability to be calm and refrain from complaining. The phenomenon of attraction is true whether you like it or not. The more you complain about something the more get more of that something. Be patient, refrain from complaining. Be patient.

3. Be Faithful: Faith is not Belief! Faith is active, belief is passive. Put motion to what you want. Use your faith, step outside of the box and your comfort zone! Make each day a day to stretch closer to your goal. Have faith that what you are setting out to achieve will come to pass.

4. Be Focused: What are you focused on? Be focused on the things that you want to happen. Do not get overwhelmed by the things you cannot change. Take on the laser view of where you are headed. Focus takes knowing what you want and being attracted, paying attention, and taking action around it. What are you focused on? Line your focus up with what you want!

There is a way to "be" going through Life. The word "be" is defined as "to exist or live, to take place; to occupy a place or position". You are able to exist or live and occupy a particular place in whatever challenge you face. You determine what that is going to be. So, I'll be walking each day, eating fruits and vegetables, and hanging out with Gilad, until I see Laila Ali emerge in the mirror, once again!

I can't give up now! Don't You Give Up Now!

Sidney

There is a Limit!

2008-06-09T18:05:00.000-04:00

As a coach I enjoy spending time talking about what is possible and how to achieve dreams. Manifesting what you want is a conversation that can get into hocus-pocus kind of stuff. Being on a Law of Attraction call today it occured to me that there are limits to what you can achieve. The limits exist in your mind, they exist in my mind.

T. Harv Eker worte a book called Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. There is a conversation about a "financial thermostat". Donald Trump is reported to have gone bankrupt to the tune of $975 million dollars in 1990, no whether or not he actually did is a source of many questions. The point is that whether or not he did be was in debt to the point it was even speculated! What Donald Trump knew was that he may have been down, but not out. Here we are in 2008, he has written a book called The Art of the Comeback (1997) for a reason, Trump: Think Like a Billionaire: Everything You Need to Know About Success, Real Estate, and Life (2004), and is now reportedly worth $3 billion. Trump has set his "financial thermostat" to BILLION, not million, or thousand, or hundred! He cannot be a thousandaire, his thermostat does not even register "THOUSAND", unless is being multiplied by "MILLION" or "BILLION".

Our thermostats can be reset, just like in a home. Most of us never think about our "thermostat", we often inherit ours. There are those that transend the setting. How do you reset it? Resting the thermostat begins within. We must reset our inner thought patterns and ways of Being first. Checking what we think, challenging what the things we have been told are true or false, and testing the waters of Life for self. A thermostat can be set on automatic, which is how we usually go through Life. Now, the reseting of the thermostat only happens when someone conscious of the internal temperature chooses to alter it! Who can alter it? YOU. The only limit that is set is YOURS.

Limits can become overcome by stating it. In my training it has been called declaring. Declarations are announcements made with authority with the express intention of manifesting and proclaming a choice. We do it everyday without thinking about it because it has been such a part our lives. Making a declaration usually involves other people. And most people resist letting other poeple in on the Life changing, thought altering things of Life for fear or resistance to being accountable. I, too, am guilty as charged. When we release limits in all areas of Life we begin to reset the thermostat of Life.

The last link to resetting the thermostat is two-fold using the words of Life and speaking with people who use words of Life. Words of Life are those words that speak encouragement, perseverance, accomplishment, accountability, and drive. These are things that forward what you are up to, they are words that push you closer to your goal, they leave no doubt that you are moving forward, and they keep you focused on what you want to accomplish. There are hurdles to every goal, however, it does matter what you say to yourself and what you allow to be said to you! Check to see what you say that limits you and who you listen to that limit you as well. Rest your thermostat with the words you say, hear, and those who surround you.

There are limits to everything, the limits that we set. Reset the thermostat!

King Solomon Unleashed It!

2008-06-08T11:33:00.000-04:00

When I woke up this morning, I thought the same things I've been thinking for the past week, "I should be getting up to walk right now". Then, I proceeded to get a little more sleep, turn on the television, and "rest". As a person who takes pride in coaching people to success, it was my day to coach myself to success. Don't we rationalize our own actions well enough that it all seems like the truth!? Well, I went out to get my exercise donning my shorts, shoes, and long sleeve shirt.

When I returned, I sat down ate breakfast and opened a magazine that featured an article entitled "Lessons form the Richest Man Who Ever Lived," by John C. Maxwell, DM. Who is the richest man who ever lived? First, let me say that I was reared in a Christian family, by a divorced single mother of three. My father was more spiritual than religious, without a doubt. Yes, I believe in God, at the same time I cannot be considered a Bible totin', fire 'n' brimstone, hallelujah, Christian. My relationship with God is defined in one word faith. And I've said that to say, the article was about King Solomon who ascended the throne of Israel at the age of twelve, around 974 B.C. The story goes that God appeared to Solomon and offered to grant him one desire. Solomon was concerned for his inexperience and ability to rule, he asked for wisdom to lead the people of Israel. God being impressed by Solomon's unselfishness blessed him with wisdom and wealth. His wisdom, wealth, and success grew beyond his imagination.

Solomon has been seen as a King who was wise, wealthy, and successful because of his diligence in all he did. Ruler from allover requested his wisdom. In the article I saw that there are areas of Life in which I have not been diligent. I've had money and I have not had money. I have had love and lost love. I have had success and I have lost success. However, what I understand is that I have the power to bring it all back to me. Yes, the law of attraction and all of that, at the same time, it is being diligent.

Maxwell made three great points that as a personal and business development professional, I tell my clients and practice personally:
1. Wake up to Reality. Procrastination is the best friend of Some Day and the cousin of Never Ever. We think that we have time on our side. The fact is that if you are not living you are dying. Each day we are closer to one or the other literally and figuratively. Literally, we get closer to death. Figuratively, each day is a choice to either unleash our destiny or cover it up in shame, self-doubt, ignorance, or fear. "Days of inaction add together into unproductive weeks. Weeks of idleness accumulate as meaningless months and wasted years, which are the fruitless products of life filled with regret and sorrow." Give your dreams the opportunity flourish, you may surprise yourself that they can become reality.

2. Define Your Vision. If you have not created a vision for your Life, where are you going? It is easy to just live, go to work, come, home, watch TV, eat, go to bed, and get back up and do it all over again. Yet, you may feel trapped and suffocated. What is your vision? Epictetus wrote "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." It takes first having a vision, then creating the plan to get there. Vision sparks initiative and action. Define your vision, unleash your Life.

3. Effectively partner with others. John Donne, a English preacher and poet was born the third of seven children. By the age of ten, he experienced the death of his father and three sisters. Much of his early life was spent in poverty, depending on the generosity of wealthy friends. It was him who said, "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent." it is entirely understandable where he might have received the understanding that in Life you need others to make things happen. There is no one person who has their dreams come true without first including others in their dreams. It is important to develop a loyal, responsible, and talented group or friends and partners. Having "social capital" will rocket you to greatness!

Living life with purpose and diligence with what God has given you begins your journey to richness, wisdom, and wealth. What I have learned is that to get where I want to go I must first seek wisdom, be diligent in following God-given vision, stay rooted in reality, and involved others in developing our lives. That is what Unleashing Life is about!

The Pulse

Commentary: A Standard of Excellence

Poppa's Baby. Momma's Maybe.

Closer to My Dreams: Let It Burn

OPEN ADOPTION: Estate Planning for the Adoptive Family

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: It Is How You Say It That Counts!

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Aging Out with Music in the Background

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Lifelong Issues in Adoption

Lifelong Issues in Adoption

LOSS

Birth Parent

Adopted Person

Adoptive Parent

"I don’t know why but I always miss the supervised visits right before we go to court."

"You don’t love me anyway – I’m out of here."

"I know my son George will blow it right before his birthday party again."

REJECTION

Birth Parent

Adopted Person

Adoptive Parent

"I don’t tell anyone about the child I relinquished – they’d say, ‘how could you give away your own child’ and have nothing to do with me."

"I can’t imagine that no one in all of China wanted me – I must be pretty weird."

"Well, God didn’t like me very much – I could never birth a child."

GUILT/SHAME

Birth Parent

Adopted Person

Adoptive Parent

"My mother said I broke her heart when I got pregnant. I’m just no good."

"If I was better my birth parents would have kept me – I guess I cried too much."

"If I were good enough to be a parent, God would have given me a baby."

GRIEF

"As night follows day – grief follows loss."

Birth Parent

Adopted Person

Adoptive Parent

"When I had my second child, I could only think about the one I gave away."

"I feel angry and since I can’t talk about it, I’ll show you by my actions."

"I already told Andy about his adoption – he’s known about it all of his life I can’t understand why he’s acting out now that he’s 12."

IDENTITY

"Who the hell am I?"

Birth Parent

Adopted Person

Adoptive Parent

"I’m a parent, but not a real parent – I never know how to answer when people ask, ‘do you have any children?’"

"If I can’t belong anywhere else I can belong to the Crips or the Moonies."

"I cringe when people ask, "Do you have any children of you own?"

INTIMACY

Birth Parent

Adopted Person

Adoptive Parent

"It always hurts – but somehow I pick men who will hurt me again."

"The only think I know about my birthparents is they had sex at 14."

"I wonder if I love my son as much as I would if he were born to me?"

MASTERY/CONTROL

Birth Parent

Adopted Person

Adoptive Parent

"It all happened to me – I guess I was just born a victim."

"The most important decision of my life was made without my say – it doesn’t make sense so why don’t you understand that I’m no good at cause and effect thinking."

"I tried everything and still didn’t have a child – so I don’t really feel entitled to ACT like a parent."

SUMMARY

NATIONAL ADTOPION MONTH: Pigeon Holed

Pidgeon-holed

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Adoption Speaks

Approaching the Search: Adoptees and Adoptive Parents Speak

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Outstanding Leaders Awarded

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Jeremy's Story

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: In Focus

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Child Advocacy

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

Raising Katie

What adopting a white girl taught a black family about race in the Obama era.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Beyond Foster Care

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Chicago Student Offered $1 Million In Scholarships

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Foster Parents Can Make the Difference

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: Born in my Heart

HOLIDAY TRAVEL START BOOKING

Last-minute flights from your city -- from $101* round trip

AirTran's huge one-way fare sale -- U.S. flights from $39*

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH: 30 DAY BLOGATHON